Finding Seoul

Korean Film Festival

2009-04-08T08:13:00.001-07:00

Spring always reminds me of why I love DC. Sometimes that's hard to remember when I'm packed into a Metro car that's delayed because of some reason or another. Once all of the grime from winter is washed away and the cherry blossoms and pink magnolia trees make an appearance I start to feel like making some plans. Find a new restaurant, maybe a new park J. would like, something fun to do. And DC never dissapoints.

A fun exhibit is coming up at KORUS. If you haven't been to their site, they have great resources and ideas for cultural activities. The exhibit next week is related to metal work and jewelry:

http://www.dynamic-korea.com/news/view_news.php?uid=200900282082

If you're interested, please review the details as it does require a RSVP.

Also coming up is the Korean Film Festival 2009 at the Freer Gallery of Art and AFI Silver Spring. You can find the details here:

http://www.asia.si.edu/koreanfilm2009/default.htm

There is a panel discussion that looks terrific on April 19th at the Freer Gallery of Art highlighting the contributions of women directors!

I often struggle to find information on Korean artists (plenty to be found about Japanese and Chinese artists) so both of these opportunities are something to look forward to.

Make some plans and get out there!

Lauren

No Jail Time in Adoption Scam

2009-02-26T19:10:00.001-08:00

How can this be? How can there be no jail time for these people that stole children from American Samoa? Where is the movement to return these children to their natural parents?

This blackens the eyes of adoptive parents everywhere. If you were to discover that your child had been stolen from their birth parents, why wouldn't you immediately begin the process to reunite them? Yes, incredibly painful but is the desperation to have a child so great that you would delude yourself into thinking that you had no obligation to be accountable to this child?

Congratulations to Mark Nyberg, the ONLY parent that is taking the steps to return his adopted daughter to her birth family. The rest of the parents seem to be sputtering around talkng about how the kids are better off here but they can still have contact with their birth families. Disgusting...

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=6958072&page=1

Lauren

Something to share...

2009-02-06T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was profoundly moved by this post at Heart, Mind and Seoul. Paula is a wonderful writer and has a variety of perspectives to share about adoption issues. What she shares is incredibly personal:

http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/weblog/2009/01/twentythree-things-this-koreanadoptee-thought-about-as-a-child.html

Lauren

Language and International Adoption (Do I Really Need to Learn Another Language?)

2009-02-05T14:53:00.000-08:00

So many posts have been written on the language of adoption and the specific words we in the community use to describe ourselves and our experiences. Children are not “given up” for adoption, they are “placed” and everyone seems to have a preference for what term should be applied to birth parents and adoptive parents. But this post isn’t about that kind of language.

In International adoption, children leave behind a country and in most cases a language that they may never learn simply because English will become their primary language. Many AP’s struggle with how to connect a child to a language and culture that they themselves may not be familiar with. So how important is preserving culture and language for our children?

When we were first exploring Korean adoption, I read a post on another AP blog relating to keeping culture connections. I don’t remember exactly her words but the gist of the message was:

Don’t tout yourself as one who embraces your child’s birth culture if all you’re doing is celebrating Lunar New Year and maybe sending your kids to culture camp for a week during the summer.

We’ve heard this same type of sentiment expressed during the Christmas holidays when we show up for a very crowded holiday service. The “regulars” get very upset having to share space with the lowly Episcopalians that have finally decided to squeeze in a service. I’m not saying that you have to be a regular attendee at church, we’re not currently good about getting there on Sundays, but I am saying that faith takes commitment and more than that, it takes practice.

So what should we do? Do our kids need to learn their original language? Do we? In our adoption journey, we’ve met families from all over the spectrum. We’ve had conversations with people that are completely annoyed by the concept of maintaining cultural connections. Just give us the baby and leave us alone! I actually witnessed a very upset man stand up and vent in a pre-adoption group “So what the hell am I supposed to do? She [the daughter they were seeking to adopt from China] is going to be AMERICAN. She’ll speak ENGLISH! Am I supposed to take her out for Chinese food to try to expose her to Chinese culture? Why do I have to bother since she’s never going back to China?” Ack! Wow. The other end of the spectrum is the couple that “becomes” Korean. I’ve seen examples of this too where the parents buy hanboks, take language classes and define themselves as a Korean family. There is something really distasteful about a white family parading around telling everyone that they’re now Korean. Your child might be Korean but you, white adoptive parent, are not.

There are great examples of AP’s that I think do a great job in keeping their kids connected. Often they have examples on their blogs but I won’t “out” them here. For us, we have great resources in the DC area and lots of active groups that not only promote connection via music, art, stories, food, language, etc. but also seek to identify role models in the Korean community for adopted children. Of most interest to us when figuring out how we would approach the topic was reading the words of adoptees themselves. In our research (not necessarily based on scientific principles) we found that the biggest stumbling block for adoptees seeking relationships within Korea or even the US-based Korean community was language. There are very poignant stories by adoptees describing their return to Korea and finding such comfort because everyone around them looks just like them but experiencing rejection because they were unable to communicate. Many of them expressed sadness that the language was such a barrier. Not everyone’s story is the same but what we want for our son is that he’ll be comfortable and confident standing in both countries. To us, this means supporting the language as well as the other cultural connections (Alex is enjoying the food connection quite a lot).

Languages are challenging. I'm not advocating that all AP's of Korean children learn the language. I am advocating that there are ways to practice cultural connections more than once a year. It takes work and might be out of your comfort zone but the resources are there. For example, we have a Rosetta Stone which I really do recommend. It’s very helpful for beginners but I was also looking for other options to practice conversation. KORUS House in DC offers inexpensive language classes and I’ve signed up for their beginner class. My goal isn’t to become fluent (years and years of study) but I want to understand at a beginner/intermediate level and learn to read the Hangul characters so that I can share them with James eventually. Maybe even meet some people along the way! More importantly, we plan to enroll James in language classes when he is old enough to begin them (they’re telling us 3 or 4 although we use some Korean vocabulary at home now). He may eventually be upset with us for sending him to class and he may reject Korea (the language/culture, everything) completely at some point in his life but I believe holding that door open is so important. I can’t walk through the door with him as a Korean person, but I can hold the door wide open for him so that he can walk back and forth on his own. We can do something each and every day to practice our faith and commitment to our son. And yes, we can celebrate Lunar New Year too!

Giving Away Babies

2009-01-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

A very close friend called a few nights ago and asked if her cousin K, also an acquaintance of ours, could call me because they are going to adopt a baby domestically and had some questions. I was aware that K and her husband went through difficult challenges to have their son, including the deaths of twin boys in a late term miscarriage. K has health issues related to the fact that her mom took DES while pregnant with her. Ultimately they were able to have a son 5 years ago and had decided that having one child was more than enough for them.

Of course, I'm happy to discuss our experience with the caveat that it's simply our experience. I learned a long time ago that being an AP doesn't make me much of an expert in anything. I expressed that I'd be happy to chat but that I'm not as knowledgeable about domestic adoption and said they might want to see if their adoption agency had recommendations for someone to talk to. I'm sure they had to go through a pre-adoption group of some sort, right? This is where things got weird.

"They're not using an agency, someone is just giving a baby to them." Ummm, well, who is just giving a baby to them? A friend of K's from high school has an adult daughter (21 years old) with a three-year old little girl. The adult daughter engaged in some risky behavior at a party (her description, not mine) and is now 8 weeks pregnant with her second child and wants to "give away" the baby. The friend, or baby's grandma, thought of K and her husband because she knows of the trouble they had conceiving their son and thinks they'd be great parents. Plus that way the baby goes to a good home. Oh and the best part, according to the friend, is that the birth mother doesn't want any money so they are getting a baby for free.

Whoa, wow...where do I even start with how truly icked out/upset this conversation made me. But, I'm trying to be calm and not sound like a condescending AP (sorry, but there are some of us that are sometimes...maybe even me). I asked if K talked to the daughter/birth mother about how she feels? She's an adult after all so it seems odd that her mother is brokering her baby to old high school friends. Plus, she's 8 weeks pregnant. It doesn't seem like she's had much time to make a decision and I'd be worried that this kind of a decision, made under emotional stress and pressure, isn't necessarily what she wants or has had time to consider fully.

Then I asked about the birth father...and was sorry I asked. "Oh, the birth father won't be a problem, she's not going to list him on the birth certificate." Problem? He has a right to know about his baby. What if he wants to raise the baby? And then I heard it, the age-old argument/rationalization for adoption:

The baby would be better off with K and her husband because they are secure financially and could give the baby a better home with a mom and dad.

Argh, better off according to what standard? what committee? what policy? what family? So it's okay to lie or "not tell" a person about his child because he falls into a certain income bracket? Or because he's young (he's also 21).

So rather than shout at my friend, she's not the one adopting although it upsets me that she's not recognizing that the situation is problematic, I wrote down a few things for her to send to K before we talk. Here is a summary:

A. The birth mother has feelings and rights. She may eventually wish to have you adopt her baby but she might also be feeling pressured to make this decision. She needs to take some time to figure out what she wants to do independent of family/friend pressure and hopefully she can get some counseling to help in this process. Can you wait until she has the time to make this decision appropriately and can you live with her decision, no matter what it is? Are you okay if she changes her mind, even after the baby's birth?

B. The birth father has feelings and rights too. Omission from a birth certificate doesn't erase him from the picture. The birth mother needs to let him know of the situation so that he can identify his options and weigh his choices.

C. The most important person in the equation is the baby. Babies grow up and want to know where they came from. Any pressured decisions, omissions, half-truths, lies, will come out eventually. A better income doesn't equate to a better home.

D. For K and her husband, do you understand the full concept of adoption, not the sanitized media version? Can you embrace the complexity of the concept? Are you able to support an open adoption? This baby will come into the world with a biological sibling. Are you prepared to support that relationship? Can you also get counseling? Can you find an adoption agency to work with or at least a social worker experienced in adoption issues to talk to? Are you prepared to not only adopt this baby but also to adopt this family as you'll forever be connected to them. How will you explain this to your 5-year old and other family members? How will they feel/react to this new child?

Of course, it's just a start. I'm going to see K this Saturday to talk. I have a stack of adoption stuff to give her. I don't know if it will help as we already have the "God decided to give us a baby" conversation going on within this family. Yep, God decided to give this young woman low self-esteem so that she'd go to a party, drink too much, have unprotected sex with a crush, get pregnant, have a baby and give it to you, all to make you happy. Unfortunately I don't know enough about private adoption and whether a home study is required for all states, etc. The family is on the east coast and the baby will be born in the mid-west so there are interstate issues here too.

Alex and I talked about it and because of how awful we felt about the situation, acknowledging that people around this young woman may take advantage of her, we'd limit ourselves to one conversation with them about this. We can point them towards ethical adoption and share our beliefs but that's it. K and her husband are good people and I have to have faith that they will ultimately do what is best for the baby. I hope, I hope...

Lauren

Dual Citizenship

2009-01-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

Margie @ Third Mom posted a comment to share very important news. The Korean Government is taking steps to allow adoptees to apply for dual citizenship. The sticking point was the mandatory military service requirement for citizens but there appears to be a compromise in the works.

Not many details yet but for those of us not wanting to shut the door on our children's birth country, this is wonderful.

http://kadnexus.wordpress.com/2008/12/30/korean-adoptees-allowed-dual-citizenship/

You can also see the Dual Citizenship Campagn press release on GOAL's site.

http://www.goal.or.kr/docs/dual_citizenship_2008.pdf

Lauren

Happy New Year (and Blogger Confessions)

2009-01-05T20:34:00.001-08:00

Geeze I’m out of the loop and feeling really disconnected. I haven't had much to say. Life is busy and been posting to my photo blog instead. It’s a little more private and I don’t feel as “naked” since it’s protected. Plus I’ve been kind of discouraged by some of what’s said in the adoption blog arena and I haven’t felt much like engaging. Lately I’ve felt like there’s a lot of dictating of feelings “all adoptees feel this way”, “APs are never going to get it”, “birth mothers couldn’t possibly understand”, etc. Blech. I can’t really speak to anyone’s feelings or understanding. I have a hard enough time figuring out what my own feelings are much less validating (or in many cases, invalidating) those of others. I’m more interested in reading what people think/feel rather than what they think everyone else thinks/feels. Those are the posts that make me think and those are the ones that I learn from. But enough about what I need/want! I know I’m generalizing and there have been some very cool posts (and most excellent news) too.

We had a really nice holiday. Santa stopped by. James didn’t understand Santa but appreciates the really fantastic wagon and toy electric guitar that Santa brought. Santa learned a valuable lesson about “Adult assembly required” and we learned that it is possible for a cat to climb an artificial tree (we have one of each). We had a smaller group for Christmas Day dinner than in previous years but it was probably a blessing (15 for dinner instead of the usual 23-25). We did so much less than we normally do but there was still plenty.

Success!

Santa also brought new running shoes for the half-marathon series and training books hoping I’ll come to my senses and not run the Chicago Marathon in October (peer pressure is a SOB). Sitting around drinking wine while discussing the possibilities with friends didn’t help any. Twenty-six point 2 miles doesn’t seem as intimidating while standing in my pajama pants holding a glass of Bordeaux in one hand and a cookie in the other. James received a new running stroller bunting so he can be part of the action.

And life goes on…James adoption has been cleared for our final steps. I’m sad that this process robs him of his Korean citizenship and truly wish that Korea and the U.S. had a dual citizenship agreement. With all of our efforts to keep him/us connected to Korea, it would be a seemingly small allowance that would mean so much for his future. We’re working on our plans for Seollal too and the timing might be such that we have one celebration for both events. Mostly we’re consumed with the rhythm of life (daycare, work, laundry, learning to walk, what’s for dinner?). I have a couple of posts to muddle through related to adoption (my feelings only, I promise). I’ll get to them soon…really.

So I’ll wish for you what we toasted our guests with on Christmas Day, that your joys outnumber your sorrows and that as you walk into this new year, you have peace, health, and friends and family that you love and trust.

Hold hands, stick together and look both ways before stepping off the curb too.

Lauren

A Christmas Theft...

2008-12-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

Things are crazy, for everyone I'm sure. Alex and I are still learning to manage our schedules now that we're both back at work and James is at daycare. Every morning is filled with whatever we didn't get done the night before (clothes for us/James, making lunches, collecting drycleaning to drop off, looking in the refrigerator for something for dinner, laughing because there isn't anything in the refrigerator except organic whole milk, if we're lucky, etc.). Every evening is spent getting James fed and bathed and if we're running on schedule, some playtime and book time too.

Those of you that are parents will laugh at our weakness. We're just not very good at pulling it all together yet. Take our yard for example. We live on a large, tree-covered lot in a heavily wooded neighborhood. Every Fall we curse the trees as it takes 2-3 leaf collections to dig us out of what falls from above. It's lovely for about a week and then it sucks.

This year, we missed the first leaf collection (they only gave us 48 hours notice) and we were only partially done by the second collection which took place on December 1st. Our front yard was still pretty covered and over this past weekend, Alex finally was able to devote some time to raking and bagging what was left. He filled about a dozen large yard bags and raked the remaining leaves into 2 huge piles.

Last night when we came home, the leaves were all gone and there was a pile of empty yard bags where the leaves used to be. The 2 large piles were also completely gone. No leaves. Someone stole our leaves! Too bad you can't see my gleeful smile as I type this.

So what happened? There wasn't a third collection and it wasn't the right day for the recycling people to come collect yard refuse. Plus, the bags were still in our yard and not where we normally leave our garbage cans, etc. Even if someone was collecting for mulching, it seems silly that they would actually take piles of leaves that weren't bagged yet, especially in a wooded neighborhood where you can walk into the woods and collect all the leaves you want.

Did someone's heart grow three sizes in one day? Did our neighbors take pity on us due to the obvious signs that we're falling behind on our Autumn yard maintenance? Our neighbors are all very nice but they're busy too. Who would possibly have the time to do this? I think I need to bake cookies for at least our immediate neighbors which would be a nice thing to do anyway.

Thank you nice neighbor or random person collecting leaves. Thank you so much for giving us the impossible gift of time as we won't have to spend anymore time on raking up those pesky front yard leaves. We really appreciate your generosity and it reestablished my faith in the knowledge that one small act of kindness can mean so much. I plan to pay it forward.

And nice neighbor or random person, there are more leaves where that came from! We have some left in the back yard too, just in case you're interested.

Lauren

It Takes a Village, and the Mayor of the Village Needs a Nap

2008-11-30T19:20:00.000-08:00

It’s been a busy month or two and there have been many times I wanted to write but just didn’t find the time. I “transitioned” back to work in mid-September which means I was supposed to ease back in but more or less jumped (was pushed?) off the cliff and into the deep end of the pool. It feels good to swim into my professional life again though. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed it on some level. A business trip to Switzerland in early December helped me get over the transition. Just ply me with lovely cheese, wine and chocolate and it’s all good!

My dad and B came for the first two weeks of November to meet James. They were here for James’ big birthday party and for the final few weeks of my FMLA. My dad was smitten with James and vice-versa. It was very cute to watch. Frankly, I don’t remember my dad liking children. He liked/loved us but wasn’t a warm-fuzzy. He was/is a scientist and had/has a very practical approach to life without a lot of fluff. So seeing him interact with my son (think “oochie snoochie woochie!”) was nice. He was very gentle and tender with him and spent just about every waking moment playing with him. We spent lots of time at the park, walking in the woods, and doing some nice DC things. Having them around meant that I could get in a run while they watched James too. It was so nice to have the extra set of hands and James loved the attention from all of his loyal subjects. Sadly, after they left to head home to Washington State, James looked for them for a few days. Now he looks at pictures of them and says “Gran Graw” which is also very cute.

The Tol party was fabulous! James had a terrific time and was very patient with all of the attention. We had some friends and family visit that hadn’t been able to meet him yet so it was nice all around. Our friends and family went way out of their way to welcome James and celebrate his Tol. We let James choose twice and the first time he selected drumsticks and Alex’s shiny police badge. The second time he chose a polio virus model (I had to have something that represented my scientific side of the family) and the red thread for long life. With his choices we have big plans for him to be a forensic FBI agent that plays in a rock band on the side.

I had a couple of epiphanies during the party weekend. Mostly, I have to say that I’m one of the luckiest people that I know. My very tiny list of people that Alex and I are touched by and thankful for everyday (in no particular order):

My father, who at some point in his life thought that it was okay to move his wife and young child to Seoul. This was a really long time ago (we don’t need to go into my age, okay?) but the experience of living overseas as a child taught me more about our global community that I ever learned in grad school. He remembers living in Korea and had colleagues/friends there his entire career, many of whom he still keeps in touch with. He is very enthusiastic about the country’s rich culture and history and he happily shared with all of our guests about how wonderful Korean customs are. It was my dad that encouraged me to follow my heart back to Seoul. Watching him climb up the playground equipment to take James down the slide is something that I never thought I’d see but am so glad I did.

B, my dad’s very significant other, who lovingly made James the cutest sock monkey (named “Monkey”) and who put up with staying with us for two weeks so that she and my dad could get to know James. She was amazing and James barely got a single cry out of his little mouth when waking up from a nap before Grandma B was plucking him out of the crib for a snuggle. Watching him light up every time he saw her helps both Alex and I know that while our moms aren’t with us anymore, there are wonderful people in our lives like Grandma B, Grandma J and Grandma E who are here. There isn’t ever a replacement for a person, we recognize this intensely in our adoption of James, but there are people who generously open hearts to make sure that a child feels loved. In that sense B is a “real” grandma.

C, James’ auntie that has embraced him and our journey since its inception. While C has done more for us than I could ever summarize here, she went to amazing lengths to make sure that James’ party was as exciting and fun as it could be. She didn’t blink when I said I wanted to make candy sushi for the kids, she just asked “maki or sashimi?” and then she sat in my kitchen with me until late in the evening crafting sushi out of rice krispy treats, fruit roll-ups, sour licorice, and various gummy candy (the Haribo Gummy Clownfish made the best nigiri). C’s mom E has also been a huge gift to us. When I met C, I never knew that my son would eventually find a grandma in her mom but Grandma E is the real deal.

My brother-in-law, his wife and their four gorgeous girls (our nieces). They came dressed in Asian outfits for the occasion and they adore James. He adores them right back. They are wonderful and have done so much to support us at every step. How he came to the family may be a bit non-traditional but to his cousins it doesn’t matter how he got here, just that he’s here. My SiL has spent a lot of time talking to all of her kids about what adoption is and what it means. She’s done this very thoughtfully and used language that’s respectful to James, his birth family and his country. We are so very fortunate to have them in our lives.

My brother J who is living and teaching in Korea. We miss him terribly, especially during the holidays when we have to make the gravy and mashed potatoes ourselves. He’s a great person and I’m so proud of how he’s embraced a country and a language that he had never experienced before. In just 2 months he learned to read Hangul (although he’ll be modest and say that’s not a big deal). He has a great take on it all and posts some very cool things about Korean culture and customs on his blog. My only sadness is that Korea is really far away…for several reasons but missing J being the main one right now.

Really amazing and generous friends like G, J, S and others. We’ve had such amazing support this year that I can’t even express it all. Holding James while our family and friends gathered around him and sang Happy Birthday to him at his party, I suddenly realized that they don’t view James as our adopted child from Korea but simply as our son. Knowing our family and friends, I never doubted that would be the case but seeing it was very touching.

My brave son, who teaches me something new and makes me laugh every day. James had no choice in our decision to adopt him. I know he remembers his foster family and he grieved their loss when we brought him to the U.S. just as he will grieve the separation from his birth family. Grief isn’t finite, it’s an ongoing process. He’s learned to trust and love us and we are grateful for the opportunity to be his parents. We will never forget his first family and we will honor them in our lives until we have the chance to help James reestablish his connection to them. We’re going to make mistakes along the way but we’re going to do our absolute best by him.

So I’m sort catching up and trying to reflect on this year. I’m kind of in the throws of holiday planning and end of year stuff, but I’m looking to catching up on blogs I follow.

Very Cool Site for Korean Adoptive Parents

2008-10-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

I have to give a shout-out and huge thanks to Alicia with The First Glimpse. Alicia is an adoptive parent that has a terrific creative eye and does custom announcements, cards and invitations. While I'm sure she would do a beautiful job for any family, her specialty is creating things for Korean adoptive families and their children.

We looked all over for invitations for James' Tol and couldn't find anything. I really wanted something that coveyed more than the typical "baby's first birthday."When we found Alicia's site, we fell in love with her very personal creations.

In a previous post I mentioned that we struggled with getting good pictures of James in his hanbok but she was still able to create this:

These are press-printed cards that are printed on front and back. She gave me a copy with the address/last name removed so that I could share them here. You should be able to click on the picture to make it a little bigger.

We are so happy with them and can't wait to put them in the mail to our family and friends.

She had all kinds of terrific options that incorporate Hangul characters and are very unique and special. I know I've struggled to find items that incorporate Korean language/customs and she does a nice job with this.

I've linked her site above so that you can find her too.

Thanks Alicia!

Lauren

Preparing for the Big Day

2008-10-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

James' first birthday is coming and we found a wonderful company that designs Tol invitations. The catch? You need to send pictures of the baby wearing their hanbok and they design the invite around the picture. On their website you see these great invitations with pictures of adorable babies dressed in hanboks and smiling to the camera. There are absolutely no pictures of angry babies crying in their hanbok.

You can tell what's coming, can't you?

We set out to Brookside Gardens this morning to take pictures of little James in his hanbok. His foster family gave this to us when we met them in Korea and we've been excited to see him wear it hoping we could send back pictures to them. They could then see he's doing well and also know that we're doing our best to maintain a cultural connection. Good feelings all around! Well, one out of two isn't bad, right?

It was a little bit warm when we got to the gardens so we decided to start indoors. In the lobby of the conservatory, we stripped James down to a onsie and loaded him into the enormous, and mostly pink, hanbok. He did look very cute but was almost unable to sit up due to the fabric smothering him. Several people stopped by to say that our daughter was very cute. Umm, no, it's a boy. However, one Korean couple introduced themselves and ooohh'd and aaaahhh'd over him. We had a nice chat as I was sweating jumping up and down trying to get some sort of smile out of James. I was also making crazy noises and singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" (his favorite) trying to get his attention. Not much worked but we did get one smiling picture out of the 25 or so we took. I think the smile was smothered under the sheer weight of the fabric...notice you don't see his hands in this picture and the red tie is supposed to go around him twice and tight (it doesn't).

We thought we'd take him outside for a bit to see if we could get some shots there. We found a beautiful spot by a fountain and tried to take some pictures. Note the terrific shot of almost the back of his head! The water proved to be too much of a distraction.

So we moved on , determined to get the right photo. One that shows his happy personality and shows off his beautiful hanbok. Who would have thought those things might be mutually exclusive?

Here is my favorite picture from the entire experience. Gee, I'm sure his foster family would be so pleased to know that we've been able to make James this happy:

And we're done here. Shortly after this photo there was a lot of crying (by all parties) and we threw in the towel.

At our car we were getting ready to strip off the dreaded outfit and another car pulled up next to us. An older woman jumped out and signaled to her husband to wait. She was from Korea and spoke very little English. She conveyed that they had been driving through the parking lot and suddenly saw the striped hanbok sleeves and told her husband to stop. She was SO excited to see a baby in a hanbok! She asked all about him and smiled and cooed to him in Korean. He ate it up and was his absolutely charming self. We talked about his upcoming Tol and she couldn't believe that two American parents would bother to do this for an adopted child. She was very touched and very sweet to us. I didn't bother to explain that most of the adoptive families we know are doing their best to incorporate Korean culture into their lives but it was nice to see how important it really is from her perspective. So finally some good feelings!

When we got home I called and made an appointment with a professional studio. It's not until the day before his party but I can live with that. I sent 1-2 pictures to the invitation lady to see if she can use them. If not, I'll buy packages of regular birthday party invitations and quit torturing myself (and my son).

Lauren

Shame, Shame, Shame....My Only Political Post

2008-10-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

I read political blogs and follow the news but don't care to get into the red and the blue on this blog. I'm more purple than red or blue and no one wants to read my very middle-of-the-road opinons. I live in a very blue state and a cobalt blue county. I want the best chances for people but also believe that people have to be responsible and accountable for their actions. I was raised under the "work hard, pay your way" plan. I don't believe that home ownership is a right, I believe you work for it. When you can afford it, THEN you buy the house. I believe in access to affordable health care but don't believe in a socialist medicine. Free health care is not a right guaranteed by the Constitution and you know, someone has to pay for it. I acknowledge that our health care system is broken but a free ride for everyone based on the backs of the middle-class hamsters pisses me off. Because I'm on that hamster wheel and I keep paying more and more for less and less.

It floors me that our government approved a bailout for companies that basically have made such poor business choices that they've run themselves into the ground. With everything we know about markets, we've created a false one and this bailout just pumps additional funds into the fantasy. Believe me, I hear the large sucking sound in the background letting me know that my 401k is tanking but we know that markets adjust. Any basic economics course will tell you that adjustments happen and the more we interfere, the worse we make it. But right or wrong, we have a spending problem. This whole country is like a teenager out of control with a parent's credit card. Guess what folks, Mom and Dad finally got the bill in the mail. We have been living far beyond our means both personally and governmentally. We can't afford many of the programs we have in place but both politicians can't wait to roll out the newest ways to spend our money. Of course, all plans come with some statistician's explanation of how it will actually save us money. This combined with our eternal focus on the material, new plasmas, new shoes, new clothes, new cars. We need it! We want it and we don't care because we have our stocks and 401ks that will save for our retirement. I understand that there were some instances of predatory lending practices but seriously folks, no one forced you to buy more house than you could afford. I'm sick of interviews with people saying they deserve help to stay in their homes and they have new cars in the driveway in the background. Did they ever stop to think that maybe they shouldn't buy that new flat-screen tv because THEY COULDN'T AFFORD IT?

Okay so back to purple and my single political post. I've already mentioned that I was furious about the bailout. I'd consider a plan that was well researched and developed on the principles of transparency and what was best for the public but that's NOT what was proposed and certainly not what passed. The bill was based on fear, secrecy, panic and greed. And they couldn't resist, could they? In this bill passed in "dire financial straits" there is PORK! Children's toy arrows, car racing tracks, fishermen, etc. Golden parachutes all around too because the poor performers are already lounging by the pool with their fruity drink.

Seriously, both McCain and Obama are bright people. I honestly don't think either one of them would have supported the bailout if we weren't looking down the barrel of the election. It's hard to have the "people need to live within their means" discussion now, isn't it? But whomever carries the election in November, PLEASE STOP SPENDING BEYOND WHAT WE CAN AFFORD!

My parting shot...after we spend $85 billion to bailout AIG we get this:

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=5973452&page=1

The poor execs at AIG were so stressed out by their week on Capitol Hill that that they had to recover at a luxury resort and spend close to $500,000 for a retreat. I threw up a little in my mouth when I hit the $26,000 in spa charges. Manis and pedis with our bailout. We got ripped off...seriously ripped off.

Shame on them, shame on our Government leaders for forcing this on us without the research, due diligence and discussion it needed, and shame on us for our spending habits and not taking savings seriously.

As a purple hamster, I'm getting really tired on this wheel.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.......

Something to Share from Another Blogger

2008-10-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

Jane Jeong Trenka who is a wonderful blogger living in Seoul wrote a beautiful post that everyone should read. It made me cry (not the reason to read it) but it contains the hope that I have for my son. That someday he will meet his birth family.

http://jjtrenka.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/%EC%9A%B0%EB%A6%AC-%EC%97%84%EB%A7%88%EC%97%90%EA%B2%8C/

It pulls some of the universal threads for the people who are not adoptees but who very much love an adoptee(s) and their birth families.

Lauren

Baby's First Racial Slight

2008-09-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted much on my own feelings/experiences about race but I was compelled to try to sort out some of my feelings after an incident I had this weekend. As adoptive parents, Alex and I were willing to adopt a child of another racial background. We consider ourselves fairly well-versed, researching the issues, rather than simply jumping in and thinking that if we loved a child enough, race wouldn’t matter. We don’t have all of the answers (again, I'm an AP so my perspective is from the "new AP" category) but this is an area that is definitely on our radar and we support an open dialogue. We undertook our adoption knowing that we had to be prepared to deal with the racism that our child would most certainly experience, even in our diverse community.

So while I’m not an expert, I’m prepared, not only to speak but also to listen. It’s funny though, when I had adult adoptees tell me that my child would experience racism as the son of white parents, I assumed it would be from strangers. I wasn’t expecting it from children (although many adoptees have written and talked about being singled out as children for their features).

This past weekend, I spent two nights with the daughters of a couple that Alex and I are friends with. The parents were celebrating a big anniversary and while the older girl can stay home alone, the younger one needs more supervision. These girls are terrific kids and were in our wedding 8 years ago. A is now 17, almost 18 and C is 13. Fun, right? I get to be a soccer/basketball mom for a weekend and catch up with the girls.

Friday night C and I were on our own as A had dinner with friends. C spent time filling me in on her sports stuff (she’s an incredible athlete already), school, and her friends. C and some of her friends are super into rap and hip-hop so we also talked about music too. I filled her in on how Baby James is doing and showed her some pictures of how cute he is. Then we talked about race. Here is how our conversation went, and by the way, C is Caucasian:

Me: So how is school going? Do you like middle school?

C: It’s okay. Our school is kind of rough and a lot of kids have problems.

Me: Really? What kind of problems?

C: Drugs and stuff. Me and my friends just kind of ignore it. But the teachers seem kind of scared of the kids.

Me: Are you riding the bus to school?

C: Yeah. Oh, and it’s so fun, me and my friends make fun of all of the Asian kids on the bus! They’re so nerdy and some of them can’t even tell what we’re saying so they just smile and nod. They don’t even know we’re making fun of them. It’s so funny! They’re so stupid. We get in their faces on the bus and we play Zap.

Me: ……………….ummmm, what? You mean you pick on these kids? Because they’re Asian? But why?

C: Cause they’re nerds. All they do is study. They have no life. And a lot of them can’t understand what we’re saying anyway.

Me: So let me get this right, you and your friends make fun of Asian kids at school and on the bus because they’re nerds and because they’re Asian. Nerds equals Asian and Asian equals nerds. Is that right?

C: (Laughing) Yep! It’s soooo funny!

Me: Ummm, you realize that I have an Asian son? James is from Korea. Korea is one of many countries that get lumped into the term “Asian.”

C: (quiet)

Me: So if James was in middle school with you, you would pick on him? And you would never get to know him or be kind to him. You would just be mean to him. Just because he’s not white?

C: Well, they don’t really understand that we’re making fun of them.

Me: If I was sitting on the bus and didn’t speak any English and you and your friends were making fun of me by laughing and getting in my face, I wouldn’t know you were being mean to me?

C: I don’t know. You’re not Asian.

Me: Have you asked them if they understand you? Is it fair to say that they might know since you’re in their faces? Do you think they like it when someone gets in their face and makes fun of them?

C: I don’t know.

Me: Wow, that makes me really sad. You and your friends are using stereotypes plus you’re harassing these kids. How do you think that makes them feel? You’re behavior is racist. Do you know what that means?

C: I’m not racist. My friends are all black and racism is when you’re mean to black people because they’re black.

Small aside: This is true, with the exception of maybe 2-3 friends, all of C’s friends are African-American.

Me: Racism is actually a belief that race is the primary factor that determines a person’s traits, potential or capabilities. Stereotyping means that you assign characteristics to a person because of their race. For example, “all Asian kids are good at math” is a stereotype. Are all Asian kids really good at math? Harassing or discriminating against someone because of what race they are is racist behavior.

C: Lots of them are good at math. All they do is study.

Me: How do you know that?

C: I see them studying in class.

Me: Do you see their grades?

C: No.

Me: How do you know that they get good grades then? Are the best math students in your school the best at math because they study or because they’re Asian? Are any other kids good at math in your school?

C: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they study.

Me: So if someone picked on you because you’re white, how would you feel? What if someone said “C can’t be our friend or on our basketball team because she’s white and white girls can’t play basketball.”

C: But white girls can play basketball. I’m white and I can play basketball.

Me: But if I had a basketball team and I said I only want girls that can play basketball and white girls can’t, so you can’t be on my team, what would you do?

C: I’d tell you that I can play….and maybe I’d show you.

Me: But would it be fair of me to treat you differently than any other girl that wants to play basketball?

C: No and I’d be mad.

Me: You should be! If I’m telling you that because you’re white, you automatically have or don’t have certain skills, you should be mad.

C: But we’re just kidding around with these kids. We aren’t really hurting their feelings.

Me: Again, how do you know? Have you asked them?

C: (quiet) No….

Me: Maybe you should. And harassing any kid, for any reason, is bullying. Are you a bully?

C: (quiet) No….I don’t think so.

Me: So you’re just acting like a bully?

C: (close to tears)…..Maybe.

Me: Is that okay? Do you want to be a bully? Do you want to hurt other people’s feelings on purpose?

C: No.

Me: Hmmm, then maybe you need to change your behavior. Maybe you should apologize to these kids for your behavior?

C: Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, I probably could have handled this better. I have no illusions that C will run to these kids and apologize. I was just so shocked and so sad to hear all of this out of her. I followed up with her parents because I was worried and after I relayed the conversation, her mom was pretty upset and said she’d make it a point to speak to her. Her mom also said that C herself had been picked on extensively by a group of students but that most of them are now her friends. She said that under the pressure of being picked on, C had reinvented herself to fit what this group of kids liked. For example, she decided she liked rap and hip-hop because that’s what these kids listened to. She shunned everything they shunned and measured her likes and dislikes by what they thought. Obviously there are several issues here but I was encouraged that her mom and dad had strong views on racism, stereotyping and bullying and that they weren’t going to ignore it.

The final sad exchange happened when I left. C asked me if she could babysit for Baby James sometime. She’s just getting into babysitting and was thinking that when he’s a little older, she could watch him. I told her that she probably couldn’t watch James because I didn’t want to take the chance that she would say something negative about his race. I told her that we were going to raise James to be very proud of his Korean background and that because she was currently in a place where she felt it was okay to pick on Asian kids, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with James. This might have been too strong but I wanted to make sure she understood that her behavior has consequences, not just for the kids she’s picking on but also for her personal relationships. She looked humiliated and held her head down, not meeting my eyes at all when I said goodbye.

With all of the “firsts” we’re experiencing with James, this isn’t one that I expected so soon. But hopefully the conversation that C and I had starts a conversation in her home too. Regardless of how I handled it, I chose not to ignore it. That's a choice that I can continue to make.

Korean Food - What's on Your Plate?

2008-09-28T18:49:00.000-07:00

My brother is teaching at a hagwon in Seoul and he’s having a terrific time. He has some interesting posts, some about Korea and life as an ex-pat. He also has others about politics, music, etc. but he has a terrific post about a list of 100 Korean foods that you must try in your lifetime. The list comes from another blogger (ZenKimchi) but Jamie weighs in with his thoughts too. The list is worth a read and is pretty accurate in terms of the “must tries.”

For those of us that love Korean food, enjoy the post and let me know where you fall in your list “experience.”

http://wetcasements.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/mashiketa/

Admittedly, there are a few things that I won’t try. I’m an adventurous foodie but San Nakji (live octopus) is a no go for me. Sorry. Sen Gan (raw beef liver) won’t ever be checked off on my version of the list as I’m not a huge fan of organ meats (unless it’s foie gras). I can’t consider the boshintang (arf!). Nope. Most of all, something called “Hangover Stew with Clotted Cow Blood” will never, ever pass these lips. How do you make a stew out of a hangover? Just kidding, but as anything referencing blood, or worse, clotted blood? We’re done here.

My dad and I reviewed the list together and he swears that the silkworm larvae (beondaeggi) are fantastic. Larvae aren’t usually something I’m anxious to try but since they’re hard to find in our area, I’m not going to have the opportunity anytime soon. For now, I’ll let Jamie do the experimenting and live vicariously through him.

Ironically, when I lived in Korea my mom and dad were convinced I was going to die of malnutrition. I ate only rice for almost the entire time we were there (a year). Welch's grape juice too since cans of it were available at our corner store. I was an incredibly picky eater as a kid and our move to Korea from Baton Rouge, LA sent me into shock. Apparently buying the chicken from the grocery store is very different from seeing the chickens get their heads cut off at the market. Where was the peanut butter and white bread? Not in Seoul. It's there now but not when I was a child. My love for Korean food now is something that my dad finds highly amusing. And I haven't eaten white bread in years.

All kidding aside, reading the list made me hungry and really made me want to try something new. We’re planning Baby James’ tol in October so the list got us talking about what we want to make for the party. The staples are there, buldak, deodeok, bibimbap, bulgolgi, etc., but there are lots of lesser known specialties that are excellent. If you’re State-side, look up a Korean restaurant you’ve wanted to try and make a reservation. Cross something off of your own list! Or check out Epicurious or Allrecipes and search by “Korean” for some new make at home dishes.

Enjoy!

Lauren

Cheerio Thief

2008-09-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

I needed to post something light today too. We have introduced James to Cheerios since babies seem to be genetically programmed to like them. Plus it helps develop hand/eye coordination, etc. We've been using them to entertain him right before dinner when he's sitting in his excersaucer (aka the Command Chair). So we put a few Cheerios on the tray of the chair and keep making dinner or whatever and the Cheerios were disappearing very quickly. I was thrilled that his hand/eye coordination was good and that he liked the snack.

Well, James hasn't been eating the Cheerios, or at least not the majority of them. It turns out that some kittens are genetically programmed to eat everything, including Cheerios. Gizmo lies in wait, next to the chair and then stands on her hind legs and uses her paw to sweep the Cheerios onto the floor where she gobbles them up. James is actually ambivalent about the Cheerios since he really hasn't experienced them much.

The good news is that Gizmo is getting a lot of fiber in her diet and according to the package, she could lower her cholesterol by 4% in two weeks. We'll let you know. Figby (our other kitten) has also decided that Cheerios are tasty.

James is still attempting to try the Cheerios and is able to pick them up but has trouble transferring them to his mouth. He's getting better though. Attached is a picture of a Cheerio feeding frenzy and a picture of James being coy with his blanket. He's doing great and we're just in love with him. He said his first word (not surprisingly "Keet Kaa" which he uses for the kittens) and we think his first sentence which is "Baa Keet", meaning Bad Kitty. Hmmm, wonder where he gets that from?

Lauren

7 Years Ago

2008-09-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own September 11^th story. Everyone brings their own perspective and often in the DC area, it’s more difficult to find someone with no personal story than it is to find someone with one. We all participated in some way. We were all shocked, frightened, desperately saddened, and eventually angry together.

My personal story isn’t about loss. My story is of a family that was unbelievably fortunate. On September 11^th my brother-in-law (D) and my husband’s cousin’s (M) offices were destroyed at the Pentagon. The plane crashed into the section of the building where they worked as civilians on a military contract. Pretty much everyone from their division died. Everyone except D and M. Their company had just been bought out and they were in California for the official signing.

That was seven years ago. D has four amazingly beautiful daughters, twins that are 6 now, a 4-year old and a one year old. As I look at pictures of my nieces today, it’s hard to believe that they would not exist if D had been at the Pentagon that day. But they do. I watch them fawn over my son, and run to me with hugs and giggles, I remember today how blessed we are as a family.

My heart aches for those that lost loved ones. I hope that after 7 years there is some peace but know that it will be forever elusive for many. My views about the “why us” or “why not us” are similar to what I feel about the “why me” of adoption. I'm a person of faith but I don’t believe that a higher power helped our family while abandoning others. I don’t believe that anyone was abandoned.

But for the grace of God…

More Resources From Harlow's Monkey

2008-08-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

Jae Ran Kim has updated a great resource list she keeps:

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/resources.html

It was nice to peruse the list for new reading material.

Lauren

We're home...

2008-08-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

We’re home…

There is so much to say that I almost can’t speak. There’s been so much to feel that I’m almost numb. I can’t possibly do justice to our experiences of traveling to Seoul to meet our son here but I wanted to post a few thoughts. I owe 50 people phone calls and emails but haven’t quite gotten there so I apologize.

Seoul was amazing. It was like heading home in so many ways. Everything felt…familiar. I haven’t been there in so many years but when we lived there, in Seodaemun, I have fantastic memories of my family being together and being happy. It was a great experience, one that I feel shaped much of who I am as an adult, and it was wonderful to lose myself in the rhythm of the language and the city again. The city has changed. Buildings are taller and newer. It was strange to stand on the grounds of Deoksu and see skyscrapers all around. Some of them were there when I was a kid but I didn’t appreciate the juxtaposition of old and new until now. The smells, the tastes, the sounds…it took my breath away.

It’s more than I can explain, the overwhelming wash of emotions and thoughts. Euphoria, intense love, and happiness tinged with grief and probably a bit of anxiety. Alex and I both lost our mothers to cancer and we miss them now, more than we ever have. I felt my mom in Seoul, while I was walking through paths and places where she had held my hand and laughed as I played with children who spoke a language I didn’t yet understand. I think she was so brave. Agreeing to move her daughter to a country that was completely unknown to her and doing it with tremendous enthusiasm. My dad was working for the UN so she and I were largely on our own to explore when I wasn’t in school. The resources were much different then too, no daily email or internet to search for help. She and my father introduced me to this country that I will love forever. I kept waiting to round a corner in a market or garden and see her standing there. It was so unexpected but so comforting to find her memory there.

What of our son? He is amazing and very brave too. Our love for him is all-consuming and we are so happy to finally have him with us. He’s incredibly sweet and unexpectedly laid-back, thanks so a wonderful foster family. He remembers and misses his foster mother. We talk about her every day and have wonderful pictures we’ve shown him. Where are they, his birthparents? I searched faces in Seoul, not that I could pick them out, but I did anyway. They’re not in Seoul, I know that much, so my searching was futile but I couldn’t help it. Are they okay? Do they think about him the way that we think about them? They must, how could they not? Are we doing the right thing? Yes, we gave it all of the thought and consideration we possibly could in advance (years of consideration and research) but when you stand there with this little person in your arms and you board a plane to take him to another country, you think about it again and again and again. As I said before, it’s more than I could explain here and my thoughts are kind of jumbled.

So I apologize if this is little chaotic. We’re finally getting on the right day/night schedule since we were initially reversed. We saw the wrong side of 7:00 a.m. more days than I’d like to think about but we’re settling in now. We are in complete awe of our son and having a great time getting to know each other. We’ve actually been out and about quite a bit, to brunch and to visit friends. Plus a somewhat dramatic visit to the pediatrician (poor baby!). Here is what 3:00 a.m. looked like at our house last week:

I have a ton of pictures from Korea too. Some of you have the Snapfish link so if I’ve forgotten you and you're interested, please email me. There were a couple of adoptive parents that were interested in doing a trip to the Asian grocer with a Korean friend of ours. If you’re also interested, let me know by email so we can include you when we plan it. For those of you that are experimenting more with Korean cooking, this might help take some of the mystery out of the shopping and it should be a fun trip too!

My one last comment, if you’re a prospective AP and reading this, please travel to your child’s country. Don’t let that opportunity to meet their foster family and explore their culture pass you by. While I feel very comfortable with Korean culture and language, my husband had never been to Korea and it meant so much to him to be able to visit his son’s country. I know with the economy and escalating cost of tickets it might seem easier to have your child escorted. Understand that by having them escorted you will lose something invaluable that can never be replaced or recreated.

Okay, enough of this! Baby J will be up in just a few hours! Don’t be a stranger, we could use some adult conversation at this point!

Lauren

The Importance of Ethical Adoption

2008-07-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

The article from CNN highlights the importance of ethical adoption. I’m sad for Allie and for her family but the possibility that there might be a woman in Guatemala missing her daughter is frightening. As difficult as the situation is, I appreciate that the US Government is asking some tough questions to be sure that the adoption is legitimate. Although I'm not sure as to why 13 years later is is still an unresolved issue (timeliness isn't a US Government forte).

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/11/guatemalan.adoption/index.html

It’s a heart-wrenching situation for all parties involved and a reminder to adoptive parents to ask the hard questions ahead of time and to choose agencies and programs carefully. In our desire to have a family, we can’t be blind to the rights of the birth families and the children.

Lauren

On the Upswing

2008-07-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

We’re heading back to life’s middle ground again, or actually more towards really good ground. After two weeks of searching, obsessive worrying, long nights of walking the woods to set traps, various trapped raccoons and possums, run-ins with foxes, swarms of neighborhood cats invading our deck looking for a free meal, and Alex’s broken ribs (yes, he fell and broke ribs looking for the cat), we had what can only be described as Divine Intervention or the Christmas Miracle 5 months early. Figby got hungry enough to get into a trap and we found her on Friday morning. We are so incredibly happy to have her home and although she was stressed in the trap, it took her between 20 and 30 seconds upon arriving home to figure out where she was and that life in our home is great. She seems so happy and almost relieved to be back as are we to have her. Alex took her to the vet on July 4th and she’s in good shape. She’s a little skinny, had a fever and a few ticks (the vet said the two were unrelated) and now she’s plumping up and eating like a champ. Her very sweet personality is coming back too and she follows us everywhere. She also slept the better part of her first two days home and we’re thinking she didn’t sleep much in the two weeks she was away (one eye open watching for foxes). Thank you to everyone that said kitty prayers for her. We know it played a role in her coming home and we are very thankful.

Alex’s Uncle JC is doing okay too. They discharged him from the hospital to the rehab center post-surgery but it was too early and he’s back at the hospital. He’s getting very good care and is healing well but it’s a long road back from cardiac surgery. He’s in great spirits and very motivated to get better every day.

So we can focus on celebrating Baby JH’s homecoming. Our feelings and emotions are running the spectrum from exhilarated to nervous to sad. We’re thinking a lot about his birth family and wondering if and when our paths will cross in the future. It’s our hope that we’ll find each other. In the mean time, we’ll honor them as part of our family and keep the door open. We’re also thinking about and talking about Baby JH’s foster family. We’re so happy to finally head to Seoul but we know that this is a difficult time for them as they separate from this little boy that has been part of their family for 5 months. We’re looking forward to meeting them and expressing our gratitude in person.

We’ll post pictures from Seoul. Thanks to so many of you who have helped us arrive at this moment. In all sincerity, it takes a village and we’re happy to have you as part of ours.

Lauren

A Study in Extremes

2008-06-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

We have so much to be thankful for but we’re having a rough week. Nothing seems to be middle of the road, everything feels very intense and overwhelming. I’m tough and I realize that sometimes life is too but here’s what we’re dealing with:

Great news for us, Baby JH’s travel papers arrived. We were floored since our agency had said not to expect to travel before August 1. So his papers came about 6 weeks early (7 weeks since referral) and we’re trying to catch up. We both have work obligations that we can’t avoid so we’re flying on July 14^th to Seoul to meet our son. I have an avalanche of emotions ranging from excitement to anxiety. Really hard to share so I’ll just say that I’m so excited to meet him and so incredibly eager to begin our lives together. I’m also terrified at the same time.

While I was at a very high-pressure business meeting for a few days, Alex’s uncle had a heart attack and is now in the hospital. He has no children and has never been married so in terms of local family, we’re it. We love him dearly and he’s scheduled for surgery tomorrow so we’re hoping he does well. He’s planning to be back in his home in less than a week (he’s on meds at the hospital) so we’re trying to be supportive and flexible. He’ll be in a rehab center after surgery for a bit to help him get back on his feet. We’re not sure he can live by himself for a while after the surgery but we won’t know anything for at least a week or so. Alex is working hard to manage his uncle’s house too which is no small feat.

Construction on the house continues. Every thing we own is currently in the living room. Complete chaos and we’re in a bit of a panic since our timeframe for completion just got moved up. No baby furniture in sight, still thinking late August/early-September. Think borrowed Pack & Play subbing for a crib in the mean time.

I’m experiencing a less-than-supportive environment at work with the announcement of my FMLA schedule. They’ve had plenty of warning but from the referral to now, it’s been rough. You know, I never thought I’d experience any kind of negative feedback, especially since I truly love my job and work very hard but…do we really still punish women for taking time off to start their families? Ugh, I had no idea.

Worst news yet, one of our beloved kitties escaped a week ago Friday. She’s still in the area (in the woods across from our house) but we’re blanketing the neighborhood with flyers, walking the woods at night, using humane traps to try to catch her. We had a sighting of her last night. She’s terrified and ran from Alex but there was also a fox very close by. We’re heartbroken and can think of little else. She’s very special and we miss her terribly.

This is the nutshell version but we’re struggling. Alex and I have been talking (and taking turns propping each other up) and we realized that what actually feels like terrible luck is really good luck in disguise. First and foremost, our son is coming home. We are finally going to be together plus we’re traveling to Seoul to meet his foster family (what a blessing). Alex’s uncle figured out that he wasn’t feeling well and got to the hospital in time to receive excellent care and have a good prognosis. We’re so lucky that he didn’t ignore these symptoms and he’s with us today because of that. I’m thankful that I have a job that I love. I also received an invitation from another organization that I respect very much to apply with them. It would be more money and closer to home. And finally, we have two weeks to search for our kitty. We’re working hard to find her every day but Alex did see her last night so we know she’s alive. As long as she’s alive, there’s hope. We’re going to be as positive as we can and we’re not giving up on her.

It sounds like I'm complaining, doesn't it? I don't mean to, it's just been a horrible/terrific week. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I realize that I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for. But please, if you pray, say a little prayer that our kitty finds her way home. We could use all the help we can get. It might sound silly to some of you but we can’t imagine our family without her.

Thank you so much,

Lauren

Transracial Adoption - Must Read

2008-06-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

Harlow's Monkey has a great post encouraging discussion of race issues and parenting. Jae Ran Kim is the author and she's simply amazing. I've learned so much from her blog and would love the chance to see her speak in-person.

Her thoughtful article is here:

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2008/06/race-matters-wh.html

Lauren

Our Happy Coincidence

2008-06-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

Jamie signed his offer and is leaving for Seoul most likely at the end of the summer. Such good news and we're so proud of him. It has to be scary, picking up your life and moving to a country where don't know the language. I think he's very brave and I admire him for making the move. He's ordered some Korean language CDs from the local library. He's also looking into the ex-pat blog community to see about establishing some connections there (he has a writing/music/political blog).

It's strange how this worked out. He never set out to find a job in Korea but...that's what happened. Out of all of the countries where he could have gone, not to mention the possibilities within the U.S., the fact that he's heading to Seoul is amazing. We never imagined that this would happen but we are so happy this opportunity came about.

So he'll spend the summer wrapping up the details. He's figuring out what he wants to buy to take with him and what he can buy in Seoul. My initial response was wait until you get to Seoul (my thinking was big city, great shopping) but he posted a question on a blog community yesterday: "If I'm a 6'1" man and wear a size 12 shoe, will I be able to buy clothes in Seoul?" He said he received some really nice responses but the answer was definitely "buy before you get here." Really helpful information and I never would have thought of it but I'm not 6'1".

On a purely selfish level, I'm happy for our son and for the connection that I hope he'll have to his uncle. It looks like we'll miss each other in Seoul though as our travel date will probably be end of July/1st week of August.

Congratulations Jamie on this new beginning!

Lauren

Another Family Member in Seoul!

2008-06-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

We’ve got great news to share! My brother James is in his final stages of finding a new job and guess where we think he’s going to be? Seoul, South Korea! I can’t even tell you how excited we are and he may even beat us there as we don’t know when we’re traveling to meet Baby JH (we think late-July/early-August).

Jamie (I’m the only one allowed to call him that) didn’t live in Seoul with us because he was born after we moved back to the States. In fact, he’s one of the reasons we moved back when we did as my mom was pregnant with him at the time. I remember blaming him for that when he was a baby too, umm, sorry about that Jamie. The fact that he’ll get to experience Korea as an adult and be able to have this connection to his new nephew is wonderful. He didn’t set out to find a job there and it was pure crazy coincidence, but very happy coincidence! He seems really excited about it too.

On some level, Korea must seem familiar to him. He grew up with Korean culture all around him in our home (as much as we as a family were able to embrace since we were obviously just visitors there). It was a country that my father absolutely loved and still does. But Jamie has never experienced it and his experience as an adult will be different than mine or my father’s. We are simply thrilled for him.

He might be peeved with me that I’m posting this before he’s signed an offer but I’m so happy about it that I’m going to share it anyway. None of his friends read my blog so it’s not like I’m stealing his thunder of announcing a new job.

Good Luck Jamie! We’re pulling for you! And we can’t wait to visit you in Seoul!

Lauren

Working from Home

2008-06-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm working from home today, or studying from home since I had a drs. appointment this morning. It's been a busy day! So far we've had sushi for lunch:

And now we're going to spend some time studying molecular biology:

And we're going to take some time to work on our blog too:

Not sure why I'm always behind on work and school....sorry but I needed something light today.

Lauren

Unexpected Gifts

2008-06-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a little off lately. Chalk it up to business travel, stress at work, stress at work related to my plans to be on FMLA, sad news from several places, remodeling at home, remodeling accidents at home, worry about Baby JH, worry about his birthparents (how are they doing, do they know he's making progress after such a traumatic birth), worry that he’s going to be sleeping in an old wine box since we didn’t order baby furniture in a timely fashion, worry that every weekend in our summer is pretty much booked, stress over the ridiculous molecular microbiology class I’m taking, questioning whether I am harming the environment by not using cloth diapers, how do I find bsp-free bottles, will we be able to use our United miles to upgrade to Business class to Seoul, how can I get good running time in since it’s gotten so damn hot but I have another half-marathon at the end of August , trying to plan to see friends I miss and family (some of whom I miss), trying to spend quality time with my husband, trying to spend quality time with the Korean Rosetta Stone in hopes that my Korean will come back a bit, etc.

But mostly I’ve been thinking about Baby JH and how he’s spending his days. Is he happy? Is he getting enough attention? Is he progressing and being nurtured? Yes, I know he’s with a wonderful foster family but he’s still so present in my thoughts and I can’t help but wonder (worry) about how he’s doing. I have these crazy random thoughts wondering if his birthmother had the chance to hold him (preemie emergency birth leads me to worry about this). Not sure that anyone other than her will every be able to answer that. Did she get to say goodbye or was he simply whisked away because of his medical needs? I hope, I hope...I hope she had the chance. And I hope she can tell us someday.

Then in the middle of my chaos/anxiety, we received the most wonderful gift. Our adoption agency called to say that they had an updated child study and a new set of recent photographs for us. Apparently they made the request because of his preemie status so that we could have a better idea of his progress. Everything looks really good and he seems to be progressing well even age-adjusted. There are 5-6 photographs where he’s smiling and laughing but the best part is that there are 3-4 pictures of Baby JH with his foster mom. They are incredibly touching. You can see how much she loves him and how he loves her too. These are pictures that we’ll keep forever (we hope to keep in touch with them too).

Foster parents are a blessing. Regardless of where you come down on the pro/con of adoption, the fact that there are families that are willing to care for children until they can go to permanent homes is a positive thing. Our gratitude to Mr. and Mrs. XX is beyond what I can express but I know that Baby JH is in good care and that he’s loved.

We’ll be there soon.

Lauren

Julia

2008-06-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

Julia Ji-Hye Mendelson died this week from leukemia. I did not know her personally but knew the pieces of her life she shared on her blog http://juliasworld.wordpress.com/ .

Julia was one of the first blogs that I found when I went in search of adult Korean adoptees and her blog is the one that I returned to time and time again in hopes of finding a new post. Beautifully written, often positive and painful all at once, finding something new on her blog was always a highlight.

I never reached out to her thinking that so many others probably did. Now I wish I had. Just to tell her that I found such beauty and truth in her writing and that I was thankful to have the opportunity to learn from what she shared. More recently, the opportunity to learn more about Julia from what her family and friends have written about her has been a gift.

My heart and my prayers accompany so many others in seeking comfort and peace for Julia and those who loved her.

Everyone Needs One of These….(How to Lose your Mind over Baby Stuff)

2008-05-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

We’re madly planning for James Hayoung to come home and in reading other bloggers thoughts about this period in their adoption plan (post-referral/pre-arrival) there’s a common theme….chaos. Actually chaos coupled with confusion. Suddenly we’re making a ton of decisions but we’re making them based on a baby that we haven’t met yet. And all of these decisions seem incredibly important when you’re standing in the Mega Baby Store!

For example, let’s consider the following equation:

James is 6 months old now
+
James’ child study was completed at 4 months of age
+
James is a preemie so he’s age-adjusted by about 8 weeks
+
James will be about 9 months old when he arrives home
=

Does James need a Baby Bumbo?

A newborn is a known quantity and comes with a certain skill set in a certain size range. Adopted children arrive all over the milestone and size map. Apparently the list of baby essentials is long and complicated and it only gets more complicated when you speak to salespeople (sorry salespeople, but it’s true). It leaves us both wondering if we really need all of this stuff. Could it all be just a giant scam (similar to the wedding scam where people try to convince you that your guests need a plastic swan with your names on it as a "favor")?

So Alex and I reluctantly visited the Mega Baby Store to figure out what we need. My head hurt instantly and there was a large sucking sound in the vicinity of my wallet. Alex simply looked vacant.

I should mention that we’re responsible people with an aversion to the mass marketing of baby stuff and we want to err on the side of simple/safe. We don’t need cute, we don’t need plastic, we don’t need a character stamped on everything, we need safe/functional. We’re not buying into the tons of useless crap that seems to come with kids. We are immune to anyone that says “you aren’t a good parent if you don’t have a wipe warmer” (Seriously, there is such a thing). We won’t even talk to the sales people about the non-essential stuff until we pick out our car seats. Safety first, folks. We don’t care about cute.

Here is what we came home with (the only thing we came home with):

Cutest. Thing. Ever. The best part is that it sings songs too (although I’ve been warned that I will reach the point where I take the batteries out).

Oh, and we still need car seats.

More on Baby James' Name

2008-05-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

Alex has been sharing the news of our referral with anyone who will stop long enough to listen and look at pictures (a very large email was sent out to his friends and colleagues apparently). It's very sweet that he's so excited to be a dad and between the two of us we've been consumed with signing papers and getting a handle on everything we need to do before we travel to meet James.

Alex has several Korean colleagues and was sharing the news of our adoption referral with them this week. One colleague (born in Korea and immigrated to the U.S. with his family when he was a kid) is incredibly generous and has offered to help us find connections within the Korean community in which he's very active. Alex was explaining our desire to help James stay connected to his Korean heritage and the subject of James' name came up.

In our referral, James is listed with a Korean family name and with a given name. They are written, as is proper in Korea, with the family name first and the given name second: Family Name, Given Name. Kind of a last name first if you compare it to how we write our names in the U.S. But we're assuming the family name that's listed isn't really his but is something that's given by SWS (privacy issues). We anticipated, as mentioned in an earlier post, keeping his given name as his middle name. Our reasoning, correct or not, was that this is the name his birth parents gave to him. I felt much more of an attachment to his given name for those reasons. I can't imagine that he would grow up and really care about a name that an agency might have assigned to him.

When Alex told his colleague James' full Korean name, the colleague was really happy because he said "oh, if he's a XXX, that's great! That's such a prestigious family name in Korea! You have to keep that as part of his name if you're going to keep a Korean name for him." This colleague was actually able to explain the stereotypical characteristics of people that have this family name noting to Alex that boys with this name are very even tempered but girls you "have to be careful about." He went on to discuss how important the family names are and that everything is ranked on the family name. He very enthusiastically encouraged us to drop the given name and keep the family name.

When Alex came home later and we talked about it, the conversation made me really sad. I was happy that we have another contact to the Korean community but sad to hear the importance that's placed on family names. Assigning characteristics to a group of people that numbers in the millions based on a name seems silly to me but culturally this is something that we don't really have in the U.S. Are all XXX boys even tempered? I doubt it. It's like saying every male with Smith as a last name is even tempered. Plus the conversation was a reminder that with the importance placed on the family name (father's name), single moms and babies born out of marriage in Korea have a long road ahead of them.

So my plan now is to find out exactly who provided what names to this baby that we'll call James. Whatever his birth parents gave him, we'll keep. The connection to them is what matters to us and hopefully will be what matters to him someday. On the other hand, if XXX is James' real family name and there's truth to the stereotypes, we've really lucked out because we've been referred a very even-tempered and intelligent child!

We'll keep you posted!

Lauren

Visit the Korean Embassy!

2008-05-08T14:25:00.001-07:00

Hi Everyone,

There is a very interesting opportunity coming up at the Korean Embassy! KORUS House is hosting this on May 17th as part of the Around the World Open House:

KORUS House, Embassy of the Republic of Korea
Time: 10 am – 4 pm
Location: 2370 Massachusetts Avenue, NW
Metro: Dupont Circle (Red line)
Admission: Free For more info: www.koreaembassy.org

Master Han J. Do and 20 traditional Korean martial arts performers will demonstrate Taekwondo and teach moves to children. View the exhibition Traditional Korean Archery and film, and tour the embassy’s museum filled with traditional musical instruments and Korean artifacts. Take advantage of a rare photo opportunity alongside a painted fence, which promotes a long life.

There are lots of embassys participating and you can view the complete list at:

http://www.culturaltourismdc.org/calendar2532/calendar_show.htm?doc_id=311539

This activity is a nice reminder of the wealth of cultural opportunities we have available to us in Washington, DC!

Lauren

And Then There Were Three.....

2008-04-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it worked. We received our referral when we were in Barcelona. Had I known that all we needed to do was leave the country we would have traveled internationally sooner!

We have a little boy, born October 23rd in Busan. He was a preemie but seems to be doing really well and our pediatrician was pleased with the quality of care he received as a newborn and his progress since then. We are....so many things! A little overwhelmed, a little stunned, and happy beyond what I can find words to measure. His birthmother and birthfather named him Hayoung and we're keeping that as his middle name. His first name is going to be James, after my dad and my brother.

It's so strange, you plan for and think about the referral moment for so long. You imagine it in your mind over and over again but it didn't really happen the way we thought it would. We were in a waterfront mall shopping in Barcelona after my conference had ended and we got "the call." So there we are crying and hugging and trying to hear what's going on thousands of miles away. The tourists all thought we were crazy.

Of course, we didn't plan well. We didn't have Alex's dad's contact information with us so we had to call his aunt first. And everyone that I called, including my dad, wasn't home. All we knew at that point was his birthday and that he was premature so we had enough time between when we found out and when we arrived home to work ourselves into a worried frenzy. I instantly became on of those parents that pediatricians hate after researching prematurity issues on the web and freaking myself out. But we met with a great doctor, the father of a colleague of Alex's, and he was able alleviate most of those fears and provide us with realistic information.

And now we're frantically working on our acceptance paperwork so that we can hopefully bring him home very soon.

My first snafu as a parent was to send pictures and an email to some friends with our son's name misspelled. Damn. James Hayoung, not Hyoung. I'm an idiot. I'm sure it's just the first of many mistakes I'll make as a parent. But you know, I'm just excited to be here.

Hope you're all doing well,

Lauren

Two Cool Korean Cultural Things on the Calendar!

2008-04-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

This was in the Korean Focus newsletter and tickets are only $20!

The first is Kang Eun-il & Haegum Plus: Remembering the Future. The Kennedy Center website describes the program:

Korea Foundation presents rising new cross-over musical group Haegum Plus, directed by Kang Eun-il. Their signature musical style fuses Korean traditional music with non-traditional genres like jazz and classical music. Kang plays the traditional haegum--a stringed instrument resembling a fiddle--to create distinctive sounds with special appeal for universal audiences.

http://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/?fuseaction=showEvent&future=true&event=RIXCB

The other is a Korean cooking class at L’Academie de Cuisine on August 9th in Gaithersburg. This is exciting given that Korean cuisine is sometimes overlooked in favor of Chinese or Japanese cuisine. I was very happy to see something that was specific to Korea.

It’s a participation class so you get to actually prepare dishes and the menu includes:

Japchae (Stir-Fried Glass Noodles); Jigae (Soft Tofu and Chili Pepper Stew); Seafood and Spring Onion Pancakes with Dipping Sauce; make KIMCHI by yourself!

If you’re interested, visit the school’s website and look at the calendar for recreational classes: http://www.lacademie.com/.

Lauren

Vacationing while Waiting (Relax, Have a Great Time, and Check your BlackBerry Compulsively)

2008-04-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

I have a meeting in Barcelona that begins on April 19th so Alex has generously offered to accompany me and vacation while I work. Actually, it will be really nice to be away for a bit (there are worse things than meetings in Barcelona) and my work is business hours only so we’ll have time to go to dinner, run (marathon training is gearing up now), do some sightseeing. The weak dollar/strong Euro has killed any happiness I had about shopping but I’ll console myself with a glass of cava and some tapas. Alex has a map and stack of travel books so he’ll have fun seeing the sights and it’s an amazing city. From Barcelona we’ll head to Heidelberg for a few days to visit G and her daughter R. We’re set to be gone for about 2 weeks.

I swore I would never get anxious about waiting for a referral and each time our agency has said things are taking a little longer, we’ve chalked it up to positive change in Korea with the encouragement of domestic adoption. But we’re really at the “any day” point and I’m definitely experiencing some anxiety. I called our agency to say we’d be out of the country for a couple of weeks and we discussed what happens if we receive a referral while we’re away. I’m meeting with several physicians in Barcelona that all offered to review medical records if needed but apparently we can wait until we get back. We’ve been waiting for so long, it was strange to actually have to plan for the possibility of a referral while we’re away, but very exciting too.

So we’ll see…..I know I’ve said “almost” for about 5 weeks now but we really are very close. We’re thrilled to be adding a baby to our family but it’s bittersweet in that we know the closer we get to our happiness, almost assuredly there is a family struggling with the aftermath of placing a baby for adoption. It’s just so amazing to think we’re almost a family of three.

We’ll keep you posted and try to write from Barcelona if we can!

Lauren

Save a Child from Korea! (WTF?)

2008-04-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

We are blessed with family/friends that have embraced our plans to adopt and have enthusiastically tried to learn what ever they can about the process. Alex and I have talked with them about why we’re adopting from Korea, why children in Korea are adopted outside of their birth country, and the initiative within Korea to encourage domestic adoption. I realize that the internet is full of both useful and harmful information but what I advised interested friends and family to do was to look on the web to find cultural and adoption-related information. I recommended a few blogs that are written by others in the adoption triad as well as some cool cultural links. And then there’s always Google…

Imagine my surprise when J called to talk about what she found when she typed “Korean Adoption” into Google and found an adoption organization that was hyping “Save a Child from Korea!” It might sound like I’m being a little hyper-sensitive but I find two things about this statement offensive. First, and this is a personal opinion, adoption is about providing families for children. This isn’t “save the whales” or “save the dolphins” (not to discount those ideas, I love whales and dolphins). Any prospective a-parent that’s choosing to adopt because they want to “save” children is hopefully weeded out in the initial process since the idea of saving a child implies that the child should somehow be grateful to you for this rescue, among other things.

More offensive than the “save” part is the “from Korea” part. South Korea (it is South Korea that we’re talking about) is a modern, democratic country with a rich cultural heritage. It’s not a perfect country and it’s struggling with social change (have we looked at ourselves lately?). The statement “Save a Child from Korea” implies that children are better off in the U.S. than in Korea which is simply an extension of that attitude that thinks we’re best/fastest/strongest/smartest in all things (ugh). As someone who loves Korea and is relatively knowledgeable about the country and culture, I was offended by the implication that children are adopted from Korea because the country is dangerous or bad for children.

It’s unfortunate that some adoption agencies continue to perpetuate myths and inaccuracies that lead to confusion about adoption. While there are many opinions regarding international adoption, this particular agency’s internet tag isn’t helpful to anyone within the community. I can assure you that had we sat down with our adoption agency and expressed a desire to save children from the evil country of Korea during our intake interview, we would have been politely steered to the door. I hope that’s the case, more often than not, in other agencies too. I did sent this particular agency an email but haven't heard anything back.

Thanks to our friend J who had to deal with my immediate reaction which was WTF!?

Lauren

Bindaedeok (Korean Vegetable Pancakes)

2008-03-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

There was a request from a friend for the Bindaedeok recipe we made for a dinner party recently. It’s from the November 2004 issue of Gourmet Magazine. You can lots of variations online and you can find dried mung beans in any Korean grocery store.

These were great and the dipping sauce is a must!

Here is the link to the recipe we used:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/230986

Sorry the post is a bit tardy but enjoy!

Lauren

What do the Labels Mean?

2008-03-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, Alex and I attended a conference on adoption issues. It’s an event our adoption agency hosts every year and this year’s conference theme was the role of birthparents in the adoption triad. We enjoyed the conference very much and it was terrific to see other friends we’ve made in the community. While all of the sessions and speakers were excellent, the highlight of our day was a session regarding the international birthparent experienced hosted by a delegation from Social Welfare Services (SWS) in Seoul, Korea. Traveling with the delegation from SWS was a birth mother who placed her child for adoption through the SWS system. A child that she hoped would be adopted by a Korean family but was eventually adopted by a family in the U.S. I won’t share her story out of respect of her privacy but I will say that she is brave beyond what I have words to measure or express.

As prospective adoptive parents, we are fortunate to work with an agency that recognizes the importance of the role and rights of birth parents. In our own research, we've sought out books, blogs and other opportunities to hear the voice of birth parents but we never really formulated a complete idea of who a birth parent is. The chance to hear from birth parents first-hand, in an environment that fostered respectful dialogue, is an experience that will stay with us.

Within our community there is a huge emphasis on labels. We like to group people by where they fall in the adoption framework complete with the respective stereotype and most likely an acronym. We talk about ourselves and others as “birth parents”, “first parents”, “adoptive parents”, “prospective adoptive parents”, “adoptees”, “adult adoptees”, “Korean adult adoptees”, etc. What do those labels mean?

We lose something in the translation when all we see is the label. The opportunity to meet this young woman from Korea reminds me that beyond the labels are real people who have had an incredible breadth of experiences that have led them to adoption. Rarely are the stories simple and they are never devoid of emotion. Looking beyond the labels and stereotypes makes us better, no matter what group we include ourselves in. Our story isn’t simple but our experiences have brought us here. We’re “waiting parents”.

The $64,000 Question

2008-03-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

Many of our friends and some of our family members have been cautiously asking about our adoption plans lately. It’s okay to ask us what’s going on! We’re not going to crumple up and boo-hoo if you bring it up. Well, I might crumple up and boo-hoo but it’s probably related to work or our home remodel vs. our adoption. Really, we’re happy to answer questions although we may not have definite answers.

So the next question is “When?” Well, we’re not really sure. We submitted our dossier to Korea in late-August/early-September of 2007. When we began the Korean adoption process, the timeframe from submission to referral was 3-4 months. Now it’s more like 6-8 months from submission to referral and it’s also taking a bit longer from referral to travel. Alex just recently attended a waiting parents meeting at our adoption agency and now they’re revising their timelines again. They’re telling prospective a-parents that from time of submission of dossiers to Korea to the time of bringing a baby home, expect 12 months.

These delays are actually a positive thing, believe it or not. In 2007, the Korean Government began an initiative to encourage domestic adoption in Korea. Now, no child can be considered for inter-country adoption until they are 5 months old. I agree with the premise and I’m encouraged that Korean families are adopting children rather than send them from the country of their birth. But it’s far more complex than it sounds. Korea is working to affect what amounts to significant cultural change, removing the long-standing stigma of adoption, among other issues.

The discouraging part was that now that the 5 month rule has been a reality for a year, Alex was told at this recent meeting that referrals are still being made when babies are 2-4 months old. That can’t be confirmed but age information arriving with referrals is missing or incomplete and there are “delays” until the child is 5 months old. I was confused since I thought the whole point was to not “earmark” children for international adoption and to allow Korean families a chance to commit to these babies. Korean families are adopting children at birth. Babies that aren’t adopted domestically within a very small window of time are still placed in the foster system. At that point, it doesn't appear that Korean families are considering these children (or is it that these children aren't offered for consideration?). This results in referrals still being made for international adoption early but the result could be that the baby is in foster care longer. I’m sure this isn't the intent of the domestic adoption program so I was a little discouraged to hear this information. It kind of defeats the purpose but I’m interested to hear what others might have heard. Again, I should say that this information is difficult to confirm and is only what I’m hearing from our agency, not the adoption community at-large.

But that still doesn’t tell you when, does it? We’re hoping (really hoping) to have a baby referred to us late this Spring. When we would travel is an unknown. It’s difficult to predict and planning for things like work commitments, vacations, etc. takes on a new dimension. Alex and I are planning to run the Rock n’ Roll Half-Marathon in Virginia Beach again on Labor Day weekend. When making our reservations I realized that speaking optimistically Baby P. won’t be able to stay alone while we leave for a 13.1 mile jaunt. Hmmm, how do I book a babysitter in another city for a child we don’t have yet? I’m not sure we could find a sitter for a 5:30 a.m. arrival, plus we haven’t even addressed the issue of leaving a newly adopted baby (or any child, for that matter) with a stranger. Ack! So we booked a suite and asked a close friend to join us there for the weekend. By the end of that weekend, said friend will no longer want to ever vacation with anyone who has children and may not want any children of their own.

The last question we’ve been asked is if we still want to stay in the Korean adoption program. That’s an easy answer: Yes! When we chose to begin our family with adoption, we chose Korea because of an affinity to the country and passion for the culture that I’ve had since childhood. This choice had far more to do with the personal connection and a desire to adopt a child than with viewing a grid and looking at which country had the shortest expected timeframes. We’re encouraged to see the changes that Korea is making and we’re going to support those changes, even if it means our wait is longer.

Thanks for checking in. I'll be adding some links/resources regarding adoption and maybe a few about Korean culture, especially food, since we've gotten some of those types of questions as well:). If you have things you'd like to share too, let me know.