Everyone Needs One of These….(How to Lose your Mind over Baby Stuff)

We’re madly planning for James Hayoung to come home and in reading other bloggers thoughts about this period in their adoption plan (post-referral/pre-arrival) there’s a common theme….chaos. Actually chaos coupled with confusion. Suddenly we’re making a ton of decisions but we’re making them based on a baby that we haven’t met yet. And all of these decisions seem incredibly important when you’re standing in the Mega Baby Store!

For example, let’s consider the following equation:

James is 6 months old now
+
James’ child study was completed at 4 months of age
+
James is a preemie so he’s age-adjusted by about 8 weeks
+
James will be about 9 months old when he arrives home
=

Does James need a Baby Bumbo?

A newborn is a known quantity and comes with a certain skill set in a certain size range. Adopted children arrive all over the milestone and size map. Apparently the list of baby essentials is long and complicated and it only gets more complicated when you speak to salespeople (sorry salespeople, but it’s true). It leaves us both wondering if we really need all of this stuff. Could it all be just a giant scam (similar to the wedding scam where people try to convince you that your guests need a plastic swan with your names on it as a "favor")?

So Alex and I reluctantly visited the Mega Baby Store to figure out what we need. My head hurt instantly and there was a large sucking sound in the vicinity of my wallet. Alex simply looked vacant.

I should mention that we’re responsible people with an aversion to the mass marketing of baby stuff and we want to err on the side of simple/safe. We don’t need cute, we don’t need plastic, we don’t need a character stamped on everything, we need safe/functional. We’re not buying into the tons of useless crap that seems to come with kids. We are immune to anyone that says “you aren’t a good parent if you don’t have a wipe warmer” (Seriously, there is such a thing). We won’t even talk to the sales people about the non-essential stuff until we pick out our car seats. Safety first, folks. We don’t care about cute.

Here is what we came home with (the only thing we came home with):

Cutest. Thing. Ever. The best part is that it sings songs too (although I’ve been warned that I will reach the point where I take the batteries out).

Oh, and we still need car seats.

More on Baby James' Name

Alex has been sharing the news of our referral with anyone who will stop long enough to listen and look at pictures (a very large email was sent out to his friends and colleagues apparently). It's very sweet that he's so excited to be a dad and between the two of us we've been consumed with signing papers and getting a handle on everything we need to do before we travel to meet James.

Alex has several Korean colleagues and was sharing the news of our adoption referral with them this week. One colleague (born in Korea and immigrated to the U.S. with his family when he was a kid) is incredibly generous and has offered to help us find connections within the Korean community in which he's very active. Alex was explaining our desire to help James stay connected to his Korean heritage and the subject of James' name came up.

In our referral, James is listed with a Korean family name and with a given name. They are written, as is proper in Korea, with the family name first and the given name second: Family Name, Given Name. Kind of a last name first if you compare it to how we write our names in the U.S. But we're assuming the family name that's listed isn't really his but is something that's given by SWS (privacy issues). We anticipated, as mentioned in an earlier post, keeping his given name as his middle name. Our reasoning, correct or not, was that this is the name his birth parents gave to him. I felt much more of an attachment to his given name for those reasons. I can't imagine that he would grow up and really care about a name that an agency might have assigned to him.

When Alex told his colleague James' full Korean name, the colleague was really happy because he said "oh, if he's a XXX, that's great! That's such a prestigious family name in Korea! You have to keep that as part of his name if you're going to keep a Korean name for him." This colleague was actually able to explain the stereotypical characteristics of people that have this family name noting to Alex that boys with this name are very even tempered but girls you "have to be careful about." He went on to discuss how important the family names are and that everything is ranked on the family name. He very enthusiastically encouraged us to drop the given name and keep the family name.

When Alex came home later and we talked about it, the conversation made me really sad. I was happy that we have another contact to the Korean community but sad to hear the importance that's placed on family names. Assigning characteristics to a group of people that numbers in the millions based on a name seems silly to me but culturally this is something that we don't really have in the U.S. Are all XXX boys even tempered? I doubt it. It's like saying every male with Smith as a last name is even tempered. Plus the conversation was a reminder that with the importance placed on the family name (father's name), single moms and babies born out of marriage in Korea have a long road ahead of them.

So my plan now is to find out exactly who provided what names to this baby that we'll call James. Whatever his birth parents gave him, we'll keep. The connection to them is what matters to us and hopefully will be what matters to him someday. On the other hand, if XXX is James' real family name and there's truth to the stereotypes, we've really lucked out because we've been referred a very even-tempered and intelligent child!

We'll keep you posted!

Lauren

Visit the Korean Embassy!

Hi Everyone,

There is a very interesting opportunity coming up at the Korean Embassy! KORUS House is hosting this on May 17th as part of the Around the World Open House:

KORUS House, Embassy of the Republic of Korea
Time: 10 am – 4 pm
Location: 2370 Massachusetts Avenue, NW
Metro: Dupont Circle (Red line)
Admission: Free For more info: www.koreaembassy.org

Master Han J. Do and 20 traditional Korean martial arts performers will demonstrate Taekwondo and teach moves to children. View the exhibition Traditional Korean Archery and film, and tour the embassy’s museum filled with traditional musical instruments and Korean artifacts. Take advantage of a rare photo opportunity alongside a painted fence, which promotes a long life.

There are lots of embassys participating and you can view the complete list at:

http://www.culturaltourismdc.org/calendar2532/calendar_show.htm?doc_id=311539

This activity is a nice reminder of the wealth of cultural opportunities we have available to us in Washington, DC!

Lauren

And Then There Were Three.....

Well, it worked. We received our referral when we were in Barcelona. Had I known that all we needed to do was leave the country we would have traveled internationally sooner!

We have a little boy, born October 23rd in Busan. He was a preemie but seems to be doing really well and our pediatrician was pleased with the quality of care he received as a newborn and his progress since then. We are....so many things! A little overwhelmed, a little stunned, and happy beyond what I can find words to measure. His birthmother and birthfather named him Hayoung and we're keeping that as his middle name. His first name is going to be James, after my dad and my brother.

It's so strange, you plan for and think about the referral moment for so long. You imagine it in your mind over and over again but it didn't really happen the way we thought it would. We were in a waterfront mall shopping in Barcelona after my conference had ended and we got "the call." So there we are crying and hugging and trying to hear what's going on thousands of miles away. The tourists all thought we were crazy.

Of course, we didn't plan well. We didn't have Alex's dad's contact information with us so we had to call his aunt first. And everyone that I called, including my dad, wasn't home. All we knew at that point was his birthday and that he was premature so we had enough time between when we found out and when we arrived home to work ourselves into a worried frenzy. I instantly became on of those parents that pediatricians hate after researching prematurity issues on the web and freaking myself out. But we met with a great doctor, the father of a colleague of Alex's, and he was able alleviate most of those fears and provide us with realistic information.

And now we're frantically working on our acceptance paperwork so that we can hopefully bring him home very soon.

My first snafu as a parent was to send pictures and an email to some friends with our son's name misspelled. Damn. James Hayoung, not Hyoung. I'm an idiot. I'm sure it's just the first of many mistakes I'll make as a parent. But you know, I'm just excited to be here.

Hope you're all doing well,

Lauren

Two Cool Korean Cultural Things on the Calendar!

This was in the Korean Focus newsletter and tickets are only $20!

The first is Kang Eun-il & Haegum Plus: Remembering the Future. The Kennedy Center website describes the program:

Korea Foundation presents rising new cross-over musical group Haegum Plus, directed by Kang Eun-il. Their signature musical style fuses Korean traditional music with non-traditional genres like jazz and classical music. Kang plays the traditional haegum--a stringed instrument resembling a fiddle--to create distinctive sounds with special appeal for universal audiences.

http://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/?fuseaction=showEvent&future=true&event=RIXCB


The other is a Korean cooking class at L’Academie de Cuisine on August 9th in Gaithersburg. This is exciting given that Korean cuisine is sometimes overlooked in favor of Chinese or Japanese cuisine. I was very happy to see something that was specific to Korea.

It’s a participation class so you get to actually prepare dishes and the menu includes:

Japchae (Stir-Fried Glass Noodles); Jigae (Soft Tofu and Chili Pepper Stew); Seafood and Spring Onion Pancakes with Dipping Sauce; make KIMCHI by yourself!

If you’re interested, visit the school’s website and look at the calendar for recreational classes: http://www.lacademie.com/.

Lauren

Vacationing while Waiting (Relax, Have a Great Time, and Check your BlackBerry Compulsively)

I have a meeting in Barcelona that begins on April 19th so Alex has generously offered to accompany me and vacation while I work. Actually, it will be really nice to be away for a bit (there are worse things than meetings in Barcelona) and my work is business hours only so we’ll have time to go to dinner, run (marathon training is gearing up now), do some sightseeing. The weak dollar/strong Euro has killed any happiness I had about shopping but I’ll console myself with a glass of cava and some tapas. Alex has a map and stack of travel books so he’ll have fun seeing the sights and it’s an amazing city. From Barcelona we’ll head to Heidelberg for a few days to visit G and her daughter R. We’re set to be gone for about 2 weeks.

I swore I would never get anxious about waiting for a referral and each time our agency has said things are taking a little longer, we’ve chalked it up to positive change in Korea with the encouragement of domestic adoption. But we’re really at the “any day” point and I’m definitely experiencing some anxiety. I called our agency to say we’d be out of the country for a couple of weeks and we discussed what happens if we receive a referral while we’re away. I’m meeting with several physicians in Barcelona that all offered to review medical records if needed but apparently we can wait until we get back. We’ve been waiting for so long, it was strange to actually have to plan for the possibility of a referral while we’re away, but very exciting too.

So we’ll see…..I know I’ve said “almost” for about 5 weeks now but we really are very close. We’re thrilled to be adding a baby to our family but it’s bittersweet in that we know the closer we get to our happiness, almost assuredly there is a family struggling with the aftermath of placing a baby for adoption. It’s just so amazing to think we’re almost a family of three.

We’ll keep you posted and try to write from Barcelona if we can!

Lauren

Save a Child from Korea! (WTF?)

We are blessed with family/friends that have embraced our plans to adopt and have enthusiastically tried to learn what ever they can about the process. Alex and I have talked with them about why we’re adopting from Korea, why children in Korea are adopted outside of their birth country, and the initiative within Korea to encourage domestic adoption. I realize that the internet is full of both useful and harmful information but what I advised interested friends and family to do was to look on the web to find cultural and adoption-related information. I recommended a few blogs that are written by others in the adoption triad as well as some cool cultural links. And then there’s always Google…

Imagine my surprise when J called to talk about what she found when she typed “Korean Adoption” into Google and found an adoption organization that was hyping “Save a Child from Korea!” It might sound like I’m being a little hyper-sensitive but I find two things about this statement offensive. First, and this is a personal opinion, adoption is about providing families for children. This isn’t “save the whales” or “save the dolphins” (not to discount those ideas, I love whales and dolphins). Any prospective a-parent that’s choosing to adopt because they want to “save” children is hopefully weeded out in the initial process since the idea of saving a child implies that the child should somehow be grateful to you for this rescue, among other things.

More offensive than the “save” part is the “from Korea” part. South Korea (it is South Korea that we’re talking about) is a modern, democratic country with a rich cultural heritage. It’s not a perfect country and it’s struggling with social change (have we looked at ourselves lately?). The statement “Save a Child from Korea” implies that children are better off in the U.S. than in Korea which is simply an extension of that attitude that thinks we’re best/fastest/strongest/smartest in all things (ugh). As someone who loves Korea and is relatively knowledgeable about the country and culture, I was offended by the implication that children are adopted from Korea because the country is dangerous or bad for children.

It’s unfortunate that some adoption agencies continue to perpetuate myths and inaccuracies that lead to confusion about adoption. While there are many opinions regarding international adoption, this particular agency’s internet tag isn’t helpful to anyone within the community. I can assure you that had we sat down with our adoption agency and expressed a desire to save children from the evil country of Korea during our intake interview, we would have been politely steered to the door. I hope that’s the case, more often than not, in other agencies too. I did sent this particular agency an email but haven't heard anything back.

Thanks to our friend J who had to deal with my immediate reaction which was WTF!?

Lauren