Something to Share from Another Blogger

Jane Jeong Trenka who is a wonderful blogger living in Seoul wrote a beautiful post that everyone should read. It made me cry (not the reason to read it) but it contains the hope that I have for my son. That someday he will meet his birth family.

http://jjtrenka.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/%EC%9A%B0%EB%A6%AC-%EC%97%84%EB%A7%88%EC%97%90%EA%B2%8C/

It pulls some of the universal threads for the people who are not adoptees but who very much love an adoptee(s) and their birth families.

Lauren

Baby's First Racial Slight

I haven't posted much on my own feelings/experiences about race but I was compelled to try to sort out some of my feelings after an incident I had this weekend. As adoptive parents, Alex and I were willing to adopt a child of another racial background. We consider ourselves fairly well-versed, researching the issues, rather than simply jumping in and thinking that if we loved a child enough, race wouldn’t matter. We don’t have all of the answers (again, I'm an AP so my perspective is from the "new AP" category) but this is an area that is definitely on our radar and we support an open dialogue. We undertook our adoption knowing that we had to be prepared to deal with the racism that our child would most certainly experience, even in our diverse community.

So while I’m not an expert, I’m prepared, not only to speak but also to listen. It’s funny though, when I had adult adoptees tell me that my child would experience racism as the son of white parents, I assumed it would be from strangers. I wasn’t expecting it from children (although many adoptees have written and talked about being singled out as children for their features).

This past weekend, I spent two nights with the daughters of a couple that Alex and I are friends with. The parents were celebrating a big anniversary and while the older girl can stay home alone, the younger one needs more supervision. These girls are terrific kids and were in our wedding 8 years ago. A is now 17, almost 18 and C is 13. Fun, right? I get to be a soccer/basketball mom for a weekend and catch up with the girls.

Friday night C and I were on our own as A had dinner with friends. C spent time filling me in on her sports stuff (she’s an incredible athlete already), school, and her friends. C and some of her friends are super into rap and hip-hop so we also talked about music too. I filled her in on how Baby James is doing and showed her some pictures of how cute he is. Then we talked about race. Here is how our conversation went, and by the way, C is Caucasian:

Me: So how is school going? Do you like middle school?

C: It’s okay. Our school is kind of rough and a lot of kids have problems.

Me: Really? What kind of problems?

C: Drugs and stuff. Me and my friends just kind of ignore it. But the teachers seem kind of scared of the kids.

Me: Are you riding the bus to school?

C: Yeah. Oh, and it’s so fun, me and my friends make fun of all of the Asian kids on the bus! They’re so nerdy and some of them can’t even tell what we’re saying so they just smile and nod. They don’t even know we’re making fun of them. It’s so funny! They’re so stupid. We get in their faces on the bus and we play Zap.

Me: ……………….ummmm, what? You mean you pick on these kids? Because they’re Asian? But why?

C: Cause they’re nerds. All they do is study. They have no life. And a lot of them can’t understand what we’re saying anyway.

Me: So let me get this right, you and your friends make fun of Asian kids at school and on the bus because they’re nerds and because they’re Asian. Nerds equals Asian and Asian equals nerds. Is that right?

C: (Laughing) Yep! It’s soooo funny!

Me: Ummm, you realize that I have an Asian son? James is from Korea. Korea is one of many countries that get lumped into the term “Asian.”

C: (quiet)

Me: So if James was in middle school with you, you would pick on him? And you would never get to know him or be kind to him. You would just be mean to him. Just because he’s not white?

C: Well, they don’t really understand that we’re making fun of them.

Me: If I was sitting on the bus and didn’t speak any English and you and your friends were making fun of me by laughing and getting in my face, I wouldn’t know you were being mean to me?

C: I don’t know. You’re not Asian.

Me: Have you asked them if they understand you? Is it fair to say that they might know since you’re in their faces? Do you think they like it when someone gets in their face and makes fun of them?

C: I don’t know.

Me: Wow, that makes me really sad. You and your friends are using stereotypes plus you’re harassing these kids. How do you think that makes them feel? You’re behavior is racist. Do you know what that means?

C: I’m not racist. My friends are all black and racism is when you’re mean to black people because they’re black.

Small aside: This is true, with the exception of maybe 2-3 friends, all of C’s friends are African-American.

Me: Racism is actually a belief that race is the primary factor that determines a person’s traits, potential or capabilities. Stereotyping means that you assign characteristics to a person because of their race. For example, “all Asian kids are good at math” is a stereotype. Are all Asian kids really good at math? Harassing or discriminating against someone because of what race they are is racist behavior.

C: Lots of them are good at math. All they do is study.

Me: How do you know that?

C: I see them studying in class.

Me: Do you see their grades?

C: No.

Me: How do you know that they get good grades then? Are the best math students in your school the best at math because they study or because they’re Asian? Are any other kids good at math in your school?

C: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they study.

Me: So if someone picked on you because you’re white, how would you feel? What if someone said “C can’t be our friend or on our basketball team because she’s white and white girls can’t play basketball.”

C: But white girls can play basketball. I’m white and I can play basketball.

Me: But if I had a basketball team and I said I only want girls that can play basketball and white girls can’t, so you can’t be on my team, what would you do?

C: I’d tell you that I can play….and maybe I’d show you.

Me: But would it be fair of me to treat you differently than any other girl that wants to play basketball?

C: No and I’d be mad.

Me: You should be! If I’m telling you that because you’re white, you automatically have or don’t have certain skills, you should be mad.

C: But we’re just kidding around with these kids. We aren’t really hurting their feelings.

Me: Again, how do you know? Have you asked them?

C: (quiet) No….

Me: Maybe you should. And harassing any kid, for any reason, is bullying. Are you a bully?

C: (quiet) No….I don’t think so.

Me: So you’re just acting like a bully?

C: (close to tears)…..Maybe.

Me: Is that okay? Do you want to be a bully? Do you want to hurt other people’s feelings on purpose?

C: No.

Me: Hmmm, then maybe you need to change your behavior. Maybe you should apologize to these kids for your behavior?

C: Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, I probably could have handled this better. I have no illusions that C will run to these kids and apologize. I was just so shocked and so sad to hear all of this out of her. I followed up with her parents because I was worried and after I relayed the conversation, her mom was pretty upset and said she’d make it a point to speak to her. Her mom also said that C herself had been picked on extensively by a group of students but that most of them are now her friends. She said that under the pressure of being picked on, C had reinvented herself to fit what this group of kids liked. For example, she decided she liked rap and hip-hop because that’s what these kids listened to. She shunned everything they shunned and measured her likes and dislikes by what they thought. Obviously there are several issues here but I was encouraged that her mom and dad had strong views on racism, stereotyping and bullying and that they weren’t going to ignore it.

The final sad exchange happened when I left. C asked me if she could babysit for Baby James sometime. She’s just getting into babysitting and was thinking that when he’s a little older, she could watch him. I told her that she probably couldn’t watch James because I didn’t want to take the chance that she would say something negative about his race. I told her that we were going to raise James to be very proud of his Korean background and that because she was currently in a place where she felt it was okay to pick on Asian kids, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with James. This might have been too strong but I wanted to make sure she understood that her behavior has consequences, not just for the kids she’s picking on but also for her personal relationships. She looked humiliated and held her head down, not meeting my eyes at all when I said goodbye.

With all of the “firsts” we’re experiencing with James, this isn’t one that I expected so soon. But hopefully the conversation that C and I had starts a conversation in her home too. Regardless of how I handled it, I chose not to ignore it. That's a choice that I can continue to make.

Korean Food - What's on Your Plate?

My brother is teaching at a hagwon in Seoul and he’s having a terrific time. He has some interesting posts, some about Korea and life as an ex-pat. He also has others about politics, music, etc. but he has a terrific post about a list of 100 Korean foods that you must try in your lifetime. The list comes from another blogger (ZenKimchi) but Jamie weighs in with his thoughts too. The list is worth a read and is pretty accurate in terms of the “must tries.”

For those of us that love Korean food, enjoy the post and let me know where you fall in your list “experience.”

http://wetcasements.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/mashiketa/

Admittedly, there are a few things that I won’t try. I’m an adventurous foodie but San Nakji (live octopus) is a no go for me. Sorry. Sen Gan (raw beef liver) won’t ever be checked off on my version of the list as I’m not a huge fan of organ meats (unless it’s foie gras). I can’t consider the boshintang (arf!). Nope. Most of all, something called “Hangover Stew with Clotted Cow Blood” will never, ever pass these lips. How do you make a stew out of a hangover? Just kidding, but as anything referencing blood, or worse, clotted blood? We’re done here.

My dad and I reviewed the list together and he swears that the silkworm larvae (beondaeggi) are fantastic. Larvae aren’t usually something I’m anxious to try but since they’re hard to find in our area, I’m not going to have the opportunity anytime soon. For now, I’ll let Jamie do the experimenting and live vicariously through him.

Ironically, when I lived in Korea my mom and dad were convinced I was going to die of malnutrition. I ate only rice for almost the entire time we were there (a year). Welch's grape juice too since cans of it were available at our corner store. I was an incredibly picky eater as a kid and our move to Korea from Baton Rouge, LA sent me into shock. Apparently buying the chicken from the grocery store is very different from seeing the chickens get their heads cut off at the market. Where was the peanut butter and white bread? Not in Seoul. It's there now but not when I was a child. My love for Korean food now is something that my dad finds highly amusing. And I haven't eaten white bread in years.

All kidding aside, reading the list made me hungry and really made me want to try something new. We’re planning Baby James’ tol in October so the list got us talking about what we want to make for the party. The staples are there, buldak, deodeok, bibimbap, bulgolgi, etc., but there are lots of lesser known specialties that are excellent. If you’re State-side, look up a Korean restaurant you’ve wanted to try and make a reservation. Cross something off of your own list! Or check out Epicurious or Allrecipes and search by “Korean” for some new make at home dishes.

Enjoy!

Lauren

Cheerio Thief

I needed to post something light today too. We have introduced James to Cheerios since babies seem to be genetically programmed to like them. Plus it helps develop hand/eye coordination, etc. We've been using them to entertain him right before dinner when he's sitting in his excersaucer (aka the Command Chair). So we put a few Cheerios on the tray of the chair and keep making dinner or whatever and the Cheerios were disappearing very quickly. I was thrilled that his hand/eye coordination was good and that he liked the snack.

Well, James hasn't been eating the Cheerios, or at least not the majority of them. It turns out that some kittens are genetically programmed to eat everything, including Cheerios. Gizmo lies in wait, next to the chair and then stands on her hind legs and uses her paw to sweep the Cheerios onto the floor where she gobbles them up. James is actually ambivalent about the Cheerios since he really hasn't experienced them much.

The good news is that Gizmo is getting a lot of fiber in her diet and according to the package, she could lower her cholesterol by 4% in two weeks. We'll let you know. Figby (our other kitten) has also decided that Cheerios are tasty.

James is still attempting to try the Cheerios and is able to pick them up but has trouble transferring them to his mouth. He's getting better though. Attached is a picture of a Cheerio feeding frenzy and a picture of James being coy with his blanket. He's doing great and we're just in love with him. He said his first word (not surprisingly "Keet Kaa" which he uses for the kittens) and we think his first sentence which is "Baa Keet", meaning Bad Kitty. Hmmm, wonder where he gets that from?




Lauren

7 Years Ago

Everyone has their own September 11^th story. Everyone brings their own perspective and often in the DC area, it’s more difficult to find someone with no personal story than it is to find someone with one. We all participated in some way. We were all shocked, frightened, desperately saddened, and eventually angry together.

My personal story isn’t about loss. My story is of a family that was unbelievably fortunate. On September 11^th my brother-in-law (D) and my husband’s cousin’s (M) offices were destroyed at the Pentagon. The plane crashed into the section of the building where they worked as civilians on a military contract. Pretty much everyone from their division died. Everyone except D and M. Their company had just been bought out and they were in California for the official signing.

That was seven years ago. D has four amazingly beautiful daughters, twins that are 6 now, a 4-year old and a one year old. As I look at pictures of my nieces today, it’s hard to believe that they would not exist if D had been at the Pentagon that day. But they do. I watch them fawn over my son, and run to me with hugs and giggles, I remember today how blessed we are as a family.

My heart aches for those that lost loved ones. I hope that after 7 years there is some peace but know that it will be forever elusive for many. My views about the “why us” or “why not us” are similar to what I feel about the “why me” of adoption. I'm a person of faith but I don’t believe that a higher power helped our family while abandoning others. I don’t believe that anyone was abandoned.

But for the grace of God…

More Resources From Harlow's Monkey

Jae Ran Kim has updated a great resource list she keeps:

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/resources.html

It was nice to peruse the list for new reading material.

Lauren

We're home...

We’re home…

There is so much to say that I almost can’t speak. There’s been so much to feel that I’m almost numb. I can’t possibly do justice to our experiences of traveling to Seoul to meet our son here but I wanted to post a few thoughts. I owe 50 people phone calls and emails but haven’t quite gotten there so I apologize.

Seoul was amazing. It was like heading home in so many ways. Everything felt…familiar. I haven’t been there in so many years but when we lived there, in Seodaemun, I have fantastic memories of my family being together and being happy. It was a great experience, one that I feel shaped much of who I am as an adult, and it was wonderful to lose myself in the rhythm of the language and the city again. The city has changed. Buildings are taller and newer. It was strange to stand on the grounds of Deoksu and see skyscrapers all around. Some of them were there when I was a kid but I didn’t appreciate the juxtaposition of old and new until now. The smells, the tastes, the sounds…it took my breath away.

It’s more than I can explain, the overwhelming wash of emotions and thoughts. Euphoria, intense love, and happiness tinged with grief and probably a bit of anxiety. Alex and I both lost our mothers to cancer and we miss them now, more than we ever have. I felt my mom in Seoul, while I was walking through paths and places where she had held my hand and laughed as I played with children who spoke a language I didn’t yet understand. I think she was so brave. Agreeing to move her daughter to a country that was completely unknown to her and doing it with tremendous enthusiasm. My dad was working for the UN so she and I were largely on our own to explore when I wasn’t in school. The resources were much different then too, no daily email or internet to search for help. She and my father introduced me to this country that I will love forever. I kept waiting to round a corner in a market or garden and see her standing there. It was so unexpected but so comforting to find her memory there.

What of our son? He is amazing and very brave too. Our love for him is all-consuming and we are so happy to finally have him with us. He’s incredibly sweet and unexpectedly laid-back, thanks so a wonderful foster family. He remembers and misses his foster mother. We talk about her every day and have wonderful pictures we’ve shown him. Where are they, his birthparents? I searched faces in Seoul, not that I could pick them out, but I did anyway. They’re not in Seoul, I know that much, so my searching was futile but I couldn’t help it. Are they okay? Do they think about him the way that we think about them? They must, how could they not? Are we doing the right thing? Yes, we gave it all of the thought and consideration we possibly could in advance (years of consideration and research) but when you stand there with this little person in your arms and you board a plane to take him to another country, you think about it again and again and again. As I said before, it’s more than I could explain here and my thoughts are kind of jumbled.

So I apologize if this is little chaotic. We’re finally getting on the right day/night schedule since we were initially reversed. We saw the wrong side of 7:00 a.m. more days than I’d like to think about but we’re settling in now. We are in complete awe of our son and having a great time getting to know each other. We’ve actually been out and about quite a bit, to brunch and to visit friends. Plus a somewhat dramatic visit to the pediatrician (poor baby!). Here is what 3:00 a.m. looked like at our house last week:

I have a ton of pictures from Korea too. Some of you have the Snapfish link so if I’ve forgotten you and you're interested, please email me. There were a couple of adoptive parents that were interested in doing a trip to the Asian grocer with a Korean friend of ours. If you’re also interested, let me know by email so we can include you when we plan it. For those of you that are experimenting more with Korean cooking, this might help take some of the mystery out of the shopping and it should be a fun trip too!

My one last comment, if you’re a prospective AP and reading this, please travel to your child’s country. Don’t let that opportunity to meet their foster family and explore their culture pass you by. While I feel very comfortable with Korean culture and language, my husband had never been to Korea and it meant so much to him to be able to visit his son’s country. I know with the economy and escalating cost of tickets it might seem easier to have your child escorted. Understand that by having them escorted you will lose something invaluable that can never be replaced or recreated.

Okay, enough of this! Baby J will be up in just a few hours! Don’t be a stranger, we could use some adult conversation at this point!

Lauren