Preparing for the Big Day

James' first birthday is coming and we found a wonderful company that designs Tol invitations. The catch? You need to send pictures of the baby wearing their hanbok and they design the invite around the picture. On their website you see these great invitations with pictures of adorable babies dressed in hanboks and smiling to the camera. There are absolutely no pictures of angry babies crying in their hanbok.

You can tell what's coming, can't you?

We set out to Brookside Gardens this morning to take pictures of little James in his hanbok. His foster family gave this to us when we met them in Korea and we've been excited to see him wear it hoping we could send back pictures to them. They could then see he's doing well and also know that we're doing our best to maintain a cultural connection. Good feelings all around! Well, one out of two isn't bad, right?

It was a little bit warm when we got to the gardens so we decided to start indoors. In the lobby of the conservatory, we stripped James down to a onsie and loaded him into the enormous, and mostly pink, hanbok. He did look very cute but was almost unable to sit up due to the fabric smothering him. Several people stopped by to say that our daughter was very cute. Umm, no, it's a boy. However, one Korean couple introduced themselves and ooohh'd and aaaahhh'd over him. We had a nice chat as I was sweating jumping up and down trying to get some sort of smile out of James. I was also making crazy noises and singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" (his favorite) trying to get his attention. Not much worked but we did get one smiling picture out of the 25 or so we took. I think the smile was smothered under the sheer weight of the fabric...notice you don't see his hands in this picture and the red tie is supposed to go around him twice and tight (it doesn't).


We thought we'd take him outside for a bit to see if we could get some shots there. We found a beautiful spot by a fountain and tried to take some pictures. Note the terrific shot of almost the back of his head! The water proved to be too much of a distraction.



So we moved on , determined to get the right photo. One that shows his happy personality and shows off his beautiful hanbok. Who would have thought those things might be mutually exclusive?

Here is my favorite picture from the entire experience. Gee, I'm sure his foster family would be so pleased to know that we've been able to make James this happy:


And we're done here. Shortly after this photo there was a lot of crying (by all parties) and we threw in the towel.

At our car we were getting ready to strip off the dreaded outfit and another car pulled up next to us. An older woman jumped out and signaled to her husband to wait. She was from Korea and spoke very little English. She conveyed that they had been driving through the parking lot and suddenly saw the striped hanbok sleeves and told her husband to stop. She was SO excited to see a baby in a hanbok! She asked all about him and smiled and cooed to him in Korean. He ate it up and was his absolutely charming self. We talked about his upcoming Tol and she couldn't believe that two American parents would bother to do this for an adopted child. She was very touched and very sweet to us. I didn't bother to explain that most of the adoptive families we know are doing their best to incorporate Korean culture into their lives but it was nice to see how important it really is from her perspective. So finally some good feelings!

When we got home I called and made an appointment with a professional studio. It's not until the day before his party but I can live with that. I sent 1-2 pictures to the invitation lady to see if she can use them. If not, I'll buy packages of regular birthday party invitations and quit torturing myself (and my son).

Lauren

Shame, Shame, Shame....My Only Political Post

I read political blogs and follow the news but don't care to get into the red and the blue on this blog. I'm more purple than red or blue and no one wants to read my very middle-of-the-road opinons. I live in a very blue state and a cobalt blue county. I want the best chances for people but also believe that people have to be responsible and accountable for their actions. I was raised under the "work hard, pay your way" plan. I don't believe that home ownership is a right, I believe you work for it. When you can afford it, THEN you buy the house. I believe in access to affordable health care but don't believe in a socialist medicine. Free health care is not a right guaranteed by the Constitution and you know, someone has to pay for it. I acknowledge that our health care system is broken but a free ride for everyone based on the backs of the middle-class hamsters pisses me off. Because I'm on that hamster wheel and I keep paying more and more for less and less.

It floors me that our government approved a bailout for companies that basically have made such poor business choices that they've run themselves into the ground. With everything we know about markets, we've created a false one and this bailout just pumps additional funds into the fantasy. Believe me, I hear the large sucking sound in the background letting me know that my 401k is tanking but we know that markets adjust. Any basic economics course will tell you that adjustments happen and the more we interfere, the worse we make it. But right or wrong, we have a spending problem. This whole country is like a teenager out of control with a parent's credit card. Guess what folks, Mom and Dad finally got the bill in the mail. We have been living far beyond our means both personally and governmentally. We can't afford many of the programs we have in place but both politicians can't wait to roll out the newest ways to spend our money. Of course, all plans come with some statistician's explanation of how it will actually save us money. This combined with our eternal focus on the material, new plasmas, new shoes, new clothes, new cars. We need it! We want it and we don't care because we have our stocks and 401ks that will save for our retirement. I understand that there were some instances of predatory lending practices but seriously folks, no one forced you to buy more house than you could afford. I'm sick of interviews with people saying they deserve help to stay in their homes and they have new cars in the driveway in the background. Did they ever stop to think that maybe they shouldn't buy that new flat-screen tv because THEY COULDN'T AFFORD IT?

Okay so back to purple and my single political post. I've already mentioned that I was furious about the bailout. I'd consider a plan that was well researched and developed on the principles of transparency and what was best for the public but that's NOT what was proposed and certainly not what passed. The bill was based on fear, secrecy, panic and greed. And they couldn't resist, could they? In this bill passed in "dire financial straits" there is PORK! Children's toy arrows, car racing tracks, fishermen, etc. Golden parachutes all around too because the poor performers are already lounging by the pool with their fruity drink.

Seriously, both McCain and Obama are bright people. I honestly don't think either one of them would have supported the bailout if we weren't looking down the barrel of the election. It's hard to have the "people need to live within their means" discussion now, isn't it? But whomever carries the election in November, PLEASE STOP SPENDING BEYOND WHAT WE CAN AFFORD!

My parting shot...after we spend $85 billion to bailout AIG we get this:

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=5973452&page=1

The poor execs at AIG were so stressed out by their week on Capitol Hill that that they had to recover at a luxury resort and spend close to $500,000 for a retreat. I threw up a little in my mouth when I hit the $26,000 in spa charges. Manis and pedis with our bailout. We got ripped off...seriously ripped off.

Shame on them, shame on our Government leaders for forcing this on us without the research, due diligence and discussion it needed, and shame on us for our spending habits and not taking savings seriously.

As a purple hamster, I'm getting really tired on this wheel.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.......

Something to Share from Another Blogger

Jane Jeong Trenka who is a wonderful blogger living in Seoul wrote a beautiful post that everyone should read. It made me cry (not the reason to read it) but it contains the hope that I have for my son. That someday he will meet his birth family.

http://jjtrenka.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/%EC%9A%B0%EB%A6%AC-%EC%97%84%EB%A7%88%EC%97%90%EA%B2%8C/

It pulls some of the universal threads for the people who are not adoptees but who very much love an adoptee(s) and their birth families.

Lauren

Baby's First Racial Slight

I haven't posted much on my own feelings/experiences about race but I was compelled to try to sort out some of my feelings after an incident I had this weekend. As adoptive parents, Alex and I were willing to adopt a child of another racial background. We consider ourselves fairly well-versed, researching the issues, rather than simply jumping in and thinking that if we loved a child enough, race wouldn’t matter. We don’t have all of the answers (again, I'm an AP so my perspective is from the "new AP" category) but this is an area that is definitely on our radar and we support an open dialogue. We undertook our adoption knowing that we had to be prepared to deal with the racism that our child would most certainly experience, even in our diverse community.

So while I’m not an expert, I’m prepared, not only to speak but also to listen. It’s funny though, when I had adult adoptees tell me that my child would experience racism as the son of white parents, I assumed it would be from strangers. I wasn’t expecting it from children (although many adoptees have written and talked about being singled out as children for their features).

This past weekend, I spent two nights with the daughters of a couple that Alex and I are friends with. The parents were celebrating a big anniversary and while the older girl can stay home alone, the younger one needs more supervision. These girls are terrific kids and were in our wedding 8 years ago. A is now 17, almost 18 and C is 13. Fun, right? I get to be a soccer/basketball mom for a weekend and catch up with the girls.

Friday night C and I were on our own as A had dinner with friends. C spent time filling me in on her sports stuff (she’s an incredible athlete already), school, and her friends. C and some of her friends are super into rap and hip-hop so we also talked about music too. I filled her in on how Baby James is doing and showed her some pictures of how cute he is. Then we talked about race. Here is how our conversation went, and by the way, C is Caucasian:

Me: So how is school going? Do you like middle school?

C: It’s okay. Our school is kind of rough and a lot of kids have problems.

Me: Really? What kind of problems?

C: Drugs and stuff. Me and my friends just kind of ignore it. But the teachers seem kind of scared of the kids.

Me: Are you riding the bus to school?

C: Yeah. Oh, and it’s so fun, me and my friends make fun of all of the Asian kids on the bus! They’re so nerdy and some of them can’t even tell what we’re saying so they just smile and nod. They don’t even know we’re making fun of them. It’s so funny! They’re so stupid. We get in their faces on the bus and we play Zap.

Me: ……………….ummmm, what? You mean you pick on these kids? Because they’re Asian? But why?

C: Cause they’re nerds. All they do is study. They have no life. And a lot of them can’t understand what we’re saying anyway.

Me: So let me get this right, you and your friends make fun of Asian kids at school and on the bus because they’re nerds and because they’re Asian. Nerds equals Asian and Asian equals nerds. Is that right?

C: (Laughing) Yep! It’s soooo funny!

Me: Ummm, you realize that I have an Asian son? James is from Korea. Korea is one of many countries that get lumped into the term “Asian.”

C: (quiet)

Me: So if James was in middle school with you, you would pick on him? And you would never get to know him or be kind to him. You would just be mean to him. Just because he’s not white?

C: Well, they don’t really understand that we’re making fun of them.

Me: If I was sitting on the bus and didn’t speak any English and you and your friends were making fun of me by laughing and getting in my face, I wouldn’t know you were being mean to me?

C: I don’t know. You’re not Asian.

Me: Have you asked them if they understand you? Is it fair to say that they might know since you’re in their faces? Do you think they like it when someone gets in their face and makes fun of them?

C: I don’t know.

Me: Wow, that makes me really sad. You and your friends are using stereotypes plus you’re harassing these kids. How do you think that makes them feel? You’re behavior is racist. Do you know what that means?

C: I’m not racist. My friends are all black and racism is when you’re mean to black people because they’re black.

Small aside: This is true, with the exception of maybe 2-3 friends, all of C’s friends are African-American.

Me: Racism is actually a belief that race is the primary factor that determines a person’s traits, potential or capabilities. Stereotyping means that you assign characteristics to a person because of their race. For example, “all Asian kids are good at math” is a stereotype. Are all Asian kids really good at math? Harassing or discriminating against someone because of what race they are is racist behavior.

C: Lots of them are good at math. All they do is study.

Me: How do you know that?

C: I see them studying in class.

Me: Do you see their grades?

C: No.

Me: How do you know that they get good grades then? Are the best math students in your school the best at math because they study or because they’re Asian? Are any other kids good at math in your school?

C: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they study.

Me: So if someone picked on you because you’re white, how would you feel? What if someone said “C can’t be our friend or on our basketball team because she’s white and white girls can’t play basketball.”

C: But white girls can play basketball. I’m white and I can play basketball.

Me: But if I had a basketball team and I said I only want girls that can play basketball and white girls can’t, so you can’t be on my team, what would you do?

C: I’d tell you that I can play….and maybe I’d show you.

Me: But would it be fair of me to treat you differently than any other girl that wants to play basketball?

C: No and I’d be mad.

Me: You should be! If I’m telling you that because you’re white, you automatically have or don’t have certain skills, you should be mad.

C: But we’re just kidding around with these kids. We aren’t really hurting their feelings.

Me: Again, how do you know? Have you asked them?

C: (quiet) No….

Me: Maybe you should. And harassing any kid, for any reason, is bullying. Are you a bully?

C: (quiet) No….I don’t think so.

Me: So you’re just acting like a bully?

C: (close to tears)…..Maybe.

Me: Is that okay? Do you want to be a bully? Do you want to hurt other people’s feelings on purpose?

C: No.

Me: Hmmm, then maybe you need to change your behavior. Maybe you should apologize to these kids for your behavior?

C: Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, I probably could have handled this better. I have no illusions that C will run to these kids and apologize. I was just so shocked and so sad to hear all of this out of her. I followed up with her parents because I was worried and after I relayed the conversation, her mom was pretty upset and said she’d make it a point to speak to her. Her mom also said that C herself had been picked on extensively by a group of students but that most of them are now her friends. She said that under the pressure of being picked on, C had reinvented herself to fit what this group of kids liked. For example, she decided she liked rap and hip-hop because that’s what these kids listened to. She shunned everything they shunned and measured her likes and dislikes by what they thought. Obviously there are several issues here but I was encouraged that her mom and dad had strong views on racism, stereotyping and bullying and that they weren’t going to ignore it.

The final sad exchange happened when I left. C asked me if she could babysit for Baby James sometime. She’s just getting into babysitting and was thinking that when he’s a little older, she could watch him. I told her that she probably couldn’t watch James because I didn’t want to take the chance that she would say something negative about his race. I told her that we were going to raise James to be very proud of his Korean background and that because she was currently in a place where she felt it was okay to pick on Asian kids, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with James. This might have been too strong but I wanted to make sure she understood that her behavior has consequences, not just for the kids she’s picking on but also for her personal relationships. She looked humiliated and held her head down, not meeting my eyes at all when I said goodbye.

With all of the “firsts” we’re experiencing with James, this isn’t one that I expected so soon. But hopefully the conversation that C and I had starts a conversation in her home too. Regardless of how I handled it, I chose not to ignore it. That's a choice that I can continue to make.

Korean Food - What's on Your Plate?

My brother is teaching at a hagwon in Seoul and he’s having a terrific time. He has some interesting posts, some about Korea and life as an ex-pat. He also has others about politics, music, etc. but he has a terrific post about a list of 100 Korean foods that you must try in your lifetime. The list comes from another blogger (ZenKimchi) but Jamie weighs in with his thoughts too. The list is worth a read and is pretty accurate in terms of the “must tries.”

For those of us that love Korean food, enjoy the post and let me know where you fall in your list “experience.”

http://wetcasements.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/mashiketa/

Admittedly, there are a few things that I won’t try. I’m an adventurous foodie but San Nakji (live octopus) is a no go for me. Sorry. Sen Gan (raw beef liver) won’t ever be checked off on my version of the list as I’m not a huge fan of organ meats (unless it’s foie gras). I can’t consider the boshintang (arf!). Nope. Most of all, something called “Hangover Stew with Clotted Cow Blood” will never, ever pass these lips. How do you make a stew out of a hangover? Just kidding, but as anything referencing blood, or worse, clotted blood? We’re done here.

My dad and I reviewed the list together and he swears that the silkworm larvae (beondaeggi) are fantastic. Larvae aren’t usually something I’m anxious to try but since they’re hard to find in our area, I’m not going to have the opportunity anytime soon. For now, I’ll let Jamie do the experimenting and live vicariously through him.

Ironically, when I lived in Korea my mom and dad were convinced I was going to die of malnutrition. I ate only rice for almost the entire time we were there (a year). Welch's grape juice too since cans of it were available at our corner store. I was an incredibly picky eater as a kid and our move to Korea from Baton Rouge, LA sent me into shock. Apparently buying the chicken from the grocery store is very different from seeing the chickens get their heads cut off at the market. Where was the peanut butter and white bread? Not in Seoul. It's there now but not when I was a child. My love for Korean food now is something that my dad finds highly amusing. And I haven't eaten white bread in years.

All kidding aside, reading the list made me hungry and really made me want to try something new. We’re planning Baby James’ tol in October so the list got us talking about what we want to make for the party. The staples are there, buldak, deodeok, bibimbap, bulgolgi, etc., but there are lots of lesser known specialties that are excellent. If you’re State-side, look up a Korean restaurant you’ve wanted to try and make a reservation. Cross something off of your own list! Or check out Epicurious or Allrecipes and search by “Korean” for some new make at home dishes.

Enjoy!

Lauren

Cheerio Thief

I needed to post something light today too. We have introduced James to Cheerios since babies seem to be genetically programmed to like them. Plus it helps develop hand/eye coordination, etc. We've been using them to entertain him right before dinner when he's sitting in his excersaucer (aka the Command Chair). So we put a few Cheerios on the tray of the chair and keep making dinner or whatever and the Cheerios were disappearing very quickly. I was thrilled that his hand/eye coordination was good and that he liked the snack.

Well, James hasn't been eating the Cheerios, or at least not the majority of them. It turns out that some kittens are genetically programmed to eat everything, including Cheerios. Gizmo lies in wait, next to the chair and then stands on her hind legs and uses her paw to sweep the Cheerios onto the floor where she gobbles them up. James is actually ambivalent about the Cheerios since he really hasn't experienced them much.

The good news is that Gizmo is getting a lot of fiber in her diet and according to the package, she could lower her cholesterol by 4% in two weeks. We'll let you know. Figby (our other kitten) has also decided that Cheerios are tasty.

James is still attempting to try the Cheerios and is able to pick them up but has trouble transferring them to his mouth. He's getting better though. Attached is a picture of a Cheerio feeding frenzy and a picture of James being coy with his blanket. He's doing great and we're just in love with him. He said his first word (not surprisingly "Keet Kaa" which he uses for the kittens) and we think his first sentence which is "Baa Keet", meaning Bad Kitty. Hmmm, wonder where he gets that from?




Lauren

7 Years Ago

Everyone has their own September 11^th story. Everyone brings their own perspective and often in the DC area, it’s more difficult to find someone with no personal story than it is to find someone with one. We all participated in some way. We were all shocked, frightened, desperately saddened, and eventually angry together.

My personal story isn’t about loss. My story is of a family that was unbelievably fortunate. On September 11^th my brother-in-law (D) and my husband’s cousin’s (M) offices were destroyed at the Pentagon. The plane crashed into the section of the building where they worked as civilians on a military contract. Pretty much everyone from their division died. Everyone except D and M. Their company had just been bought out and they were in California for the official signing.

That was seven years ago. D has four amazingly beautiful daughters, twins that are 6 now, a 4-year old and a one year old. As I look at pictures of my nieces today, it’s hard to believe that they would not exist if D had been at the Pentagon that day. But they do. I watch them fawn over my son, and run to me with hugs and giggles, I remember today how blessed we are as a family.

My heart aches for those that lost loved ones. I hope that after 7 years there is some peace but know that it will be forever elusive for many. My views about the “why us” or “why not us” are similar to what I feel about the “why me” of adoption. I'm a person of faith but I don’t believe that a higher power helped our family while abandoning others. I don’t believe that anyone was abandoned.

But for the grace of God…