And Then There Were Three.....

Well, it worked. We received our referral when we were in Barcelona. Had I known that all we needed to do was leave the country we would have traveled internationally sooner!

We have a little boy, born October 23rd in Busan. He was a preemie but seems to be doing really well and our pediatrician was pleased with the quality of care he received as a newborn and his progress since then. We are....so many things! A little overwhelmed, a little stunned, and happy beyond what I can find words to measure. His birthmother and birthfather named him Hayoung and we're keeping that as his middle name. His first name is going to be James, after my dad and my brother.

It's so strange, you plan for and think about the referral moment for so long. You imagine it in your mind over and over again but it didn't really happen the way we thought it would. We were in a waterfront mall shopping in Barcelona after my conference had ended and we got "the call." So there we are crying and hugging and trying to hear what's going on thousands of miles away. The tourists all thought we were crazy.

Of course, we didn't plan well. We didn't have Alex's dad's contact information with us so we had to call his aunt first. And everyone that I called, including my dad, wasn't home. All we knew at that point was his birthday and that he was premature so we had enough time between when we found out and when we arrived home to work ourselves into a worried frenzy. I instantly became on of those parents that pediatricians hate after researching prematurity issues on the web and freaking myself out. But we met with a great doctor, the father of a colleague of Alex's, and he was able alleviate most of those fears and provide us with realistic information.

And now we're frantically working on our acceptance paperwork so that we can hopefully bring him home very soon.

My first snafu as a parent was to send pictures and an email to some friends with our son's name misspelled. Damn. James Hayoung, not Hyoung. I'm an idiot. I'm sure it's just the first of many mistakes I'll make as a parent. But you know, I'm just excited to be here.

Hope you're all doing well,

Lauren

Two Cool Korean Cultural Things on the Calendar!

This was in the Korean Focus newsletter and tickets are only $20!

The first is Kang Eun-il & Haegum Plus: Remembering the Future. The Kennedy Center website describes the program:

Korea Foundation presents rising new cross-over musical group Haegum Plus, directed by Kang Eun-il. Their signature musical style fuses Korean traditional music with non-traditional genres like jazz and classical music. Kang plays the traditional haegum--a stringed instrument resembling a fiddle--to create distinctive sounds with special appeal for universal audiences.

http://www.kennedy-center.org/calendar/?fuseaction=showEvent&future=true&event=RIXCB


The other is a Korean cooking class at L’Academie de Cuisine on August 9th in Gaithersburg. This is exciting given that Korean cuisine is sometimes overlooked in favor of Chinese or Japanese cuisine. I was very happy to see something that was specific to Korea.

It’s a participation class so you get to actually prepare dishes and the menu includes:

Japchae (Stir-Fried Glass Noodles); Jigae (Soft Tofu and Chili Pepper Stew); Seafood and Spring Onion Pancakes with Dipping Sauce; make KIMCHI by yourself!

If you’re interested, visit the school’s website and look at the calendar for recreational classes: http://www.lacademie.com/.

Lauren

Vacationing while Waiting (Relax, Have a Great Time, and Check your BlackBerry Compulsively)

I have a meeting in Barcelona that begins on April 19th so Alex has generously offered to accompany me and vacation while I work. Actually, it will be really nice to be away for a bit (there are worse things than meetings in Barcelona) and my work is business hours only so we’ll have time to go to dinner, run (marathon training is gearing up now), do some sightseeing. The weak dollar/strong Euro has killed any happiness I had about shopping but I’ll console myself with a glass of cava and some tapas. Alex has a map and stack of travel books so he’ll have fun seeing the sights and it’s an amazing city. From Barcelona we’ll head to Heidelberg for a few days to visit G and her daughter R. We’re set to be gone for about 2 weeks.

I swore I would never get anxious about waiting for a referral and each time our agency has said things are taking a little longer, we’ve chalked it up to positive change in Korea with the encouragement of domestic adoption. But we’re really at the “any day” point and I’m definitely experiencing some anxiety. I called our agency to say we’d be out of the country for a couple of weeks and we discussed what happens if we receive a referral while we’re away. I’m meeting with several physicians in Barcelona that all offered to review medical records if needed but apparently we can wait until we get back. We’ve been waiting for so long, it was strange to actually have to plan for the possibility of a referral while we’re away, but very exciting too.

So we’ll see…..I know I’ve said “almost” for about 5 weeks now but we really are very close. We’re thrilled to be adding a baby to our family but it’s bittersweet in that we know the closer we get to our happiness, almost assuredly there is a family struggling with the aftermath of placing a baby for adoption. It’s just so amazing to think we’re almost a family of three.

We’ll keep you posted and try to write from Barcelona if we can!

Lauren

Save a Child from Korea! (WTF?)

We are blessed with family/friends that have embraced our plans to adopt and have enthusiastically tried to learn what ever they can about the process. Alex and I have talked with them about why we’re adopting from Korea, why children in Korea are adopted outside of their birth country, and the initiative within Korea to encourage domestic adoption. I realize that the internet is full of both useful and harmful information but what I advised interested friends and family to do was to look on the web to find cultural and adoption-related information. I recommended a few blogs that are written by others in the adoption triad as well as some cool cultural links. And then there’s always Google…

Imagine my surprise when J called to talk about what she found when she typed “Korean Adoption” into Google and found an adoption organization that was hyping “Save a Child from Korea!” It might sound like I’m being a little hyper-sensitive but I find two things about this statement offensive. First, and this is a personal opinion, adoption is about providing families for children. This isn’t “save the whales” or “save the dolphins” (not to discount those ideas, I love whales and dolphins). Any prospective a-parent that’s choosing to adopt because they want to “save” children is hopefully weeded out in the initial process since the idea of saving a child implies that the child should somehow be grateful to you for this rescue, among other things.

More offensive than the “save” part is the “from Korea” part. South Korea (it is South Korea that we’re talking about) is a modern, democratic country with a rich cultural heritage. It’s not a perfect country and it’s struggling with social change (have we looked at ourselves lately?). The statement “Save a Child from Korea” implies that children are better off in the U.S. than in Korea which is simply an extension of that attitude that thinks we’re best/fastest/strongest/smartest in all things (ugh). As someone who loves Korea and is relatively knowledgeable about the country and culture, I was offended by the implication that children are adopted from Korea because the country is dangerous or bad for children.

It’s unfortunate that some adoption agencies continue to perpetuate myths and inaccuracies that lead to confusion about adoption. While there are many opinions regarding international adoption, this particular agency’s internet tag isn’t helpful to anyone within the community. I can assure you that had we sat down with our adoption agency and expressed a desire to save children from the evil country of Korea during our intake interview, we would have been politely steered to the door. I hope that’s the case, more often than not, in other agencies too. I did sent this particular agency an email but haven't heard anything back.

Thanks to our friend J who had to deal with my immediate reaction which was WTF!?

Lauren

Bindaedeok (Korean Vegetable Pancakes)

There was a request from a friend for the Bindaedeok recipe we made for a dinner party recently. It’s from the November 2004 issue of Gourmet Magazine. You can lots of variations online and you can find dried mung beans in any Korean grocery store.

These were great and the dipping sauce is a must!

Here is the link to the recipe we used:

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/230986

Sorry the post is a bit tardy but enjoy!

Lauren

What do the Labels Mean?

A couple of weeks ago, Alex and I attended a conference on adoption issues. It’s an event our adoption agency hosts every year and this year’s conference theme was the role of birthparents in the adoption triad. We enjoyed the conference very much and it was terrific to see other friends we’ve made in the community. While all of the sessions and speakers were excellent, the highlight of our day was a session regarding the international birthparent experienced hosted by a delegation from Social Welfare Services (SWS) in Seoul, Korea. Traveling with the delegation from SWS was a birth mother who placed her child for adoption through the SWS system. A child that she hoped would be adopted by a Korean family but was eventually adopted by a family in the U.S. I won’t share her story out of respect of her privacy but I will say that she is brave beyond what I have words to measure or express.

As prospective adoptive parents, we are fortunate to work with an agency that recognizes the importance of the role and rights of birth parents. In our own research, we've sought out books, blogs and other opportunities to hear the voice of birth parents but we never really formulated a complete idea of who a birth parent is. The chance to hear from birth parents first-hand, in an environment that fostered respectful dialogue, is an experience that will stay with us.

Within our community there is a huge emphasis on labels. We like to group people by where they fall in the adoption framework complete with the respective stereotype and most likely an acronym. We talk about ourselves and others as “birth parents”, “first parents”, “adoptive parents”, “prospective adoptive parents”, “adoptees”, “adult adoptees”, “Korean adult adoptees”, etc. What do those labels mean?

We lose something in the translation when all we see is the label. The opportunity to meet this young woman from Korea reminds me that beyond the labels are real people who have had an incredible breadth of experiences that have led them to adoption. Rarely are the stories simple and they are never devoid of emotion. Looking beyond the labels and stereotypes makes us better, no matter what group we include ourselves in. Our story isn’t simple but our experiences have brought us here. We’re “waiting parents”.

The $64,000 Question

Many of our friends and some of our family members have been cautiously asking about our adoption plans lately. It’s okay to ask us what’s going on! We’re not going to crumple up and boo-hoo if you bring it up. Well, I might crumple up and boo-hoo but it’s probably related to work or our home remodel vs. our adoption. Really, we’re happy to answer questions although we may not have definite answers.

So the next question is “When?” Well, we’re not really sure. We submitted our dossier to Korea in late-August/early-September of 2007. When we began the Korean adoption process, the timeframe from submission to referral was 3-4 months. Now it’s more like 6-8 months from submission to referral and it’s also taking a bit longer from referral to travel. Alex just recently attended a waiting parents meeting at our adoption agency and now they’re revising their timelines again. They’re telling prospective a-parents that from time of submission of dossiers to Korea to the time of bringing a baby home, expect 12 months.

These delays are actually a positive thing, believe it or not. In 2007, the Korean Government began an initiative to encourage domestic adoption in Korea. Now, no child can be considered for inter-country adoption until they are 5 months old. I agree with the premise and I’m encouraged that Korean families are adopting children rather than send them from the country of their birth. But it’s far more complex than it sounds. Korea is working to affect what amounts to significant cultural change, removing the long-standing stigma of adoption, among other issues.

The discouraging part was that now that the 5 month rule has been a reality for a year, Alex was told at this recent meeting that referrals are still being made when babies are 2-4 months old. That can’t be confirmed but age information arriving with referrals is missing or incomplete and there are “delays” until the child is 5 months old. I was confused since I thought the whole point was to not “earmark” children for international adoption and to allow Korean families a chance to commit to these babies. Korean families are adopting children at birth. Babies that aren’t adopted domestically within a very small window of time are still placed in the foster system. At that point, it doesn't appear that Korean families are considering these children (or is it that these children aren't offered for consideration?). This results in referrals still being made for international adoption early but the result could be that the baby is in foster care longer. I’m sure this isn't the intent of the domestic adoption program so I was a little discouraged to hear this information. It kind of defeats the purpose but I’m interested to hear what others might have heard. Again, I should say that this information is difficult to confirm and is only what I’m hearing from our agency, not the adoption community at-large.

But that still doesn’t tell you when, does it? We’re hoping (really hoping) to have a baby referred to us late this Spring. When we would travel is an unknown. It’s difficult to predict and planning for things like work commitments, vacations, etc. takes on a new dimension. Alex and I are planning to run the Rock n’ Roll Half-Marathon in Virginia Beach again on Labor Day weekend. When making our reservations I realized that speaking optimistically Baby P. won’t be able to stay alone while we leave for a 13.1 mile jaunt. Hmmm, how do I book a babysitter in another city for a child we don’t have yet? I’m not sure we could find a sitter for a 5:30 a.m. arrival, plus we haven’t even addressed the issue of leaving a newly adopted baby (or any child, for that matter) with a stranger. Ack! So we booked a suite and asked a close friend to join us there for the weekend. By the end of that weekend, said friend will no longer want to ever vacation with anyone who has children and may not want any children of their own.

The last question we’ve been asked is if we still want to stay in the Korean adoption program. That’s an easy answer: Yes! When we chose to begin our family with adoption, we chose Korea because of an affinity to the country and passion for the culture that I’ve had since childhood. This choice had far more to do with the personal connection and a desire to adopt a child than with viewing a grid and looking at which country had the shortest expected timeframes. We’re encouraged to see the changes that Korea is making and we’re going to support those changes, even if it means our wait is longer.

Thanks for checking in. I'll be adding some links/resources regarding adoption and maybe a few about Korean culture, especially food, since we've gotten some of those types of questions as well:). If you have things you'd like to share too, let me know.