A Christmas Theft...

Things are crazy, for everyone I'm sure. Alex and I are still learning to manage our schedules now that we're both back at work and James is at daycare. Every morning is filled with whatever we didn't get done the night before (clothes for us/James, making lunches, collecting drycleaning to drop off, looking in the refrigerator for something for dinner, laughing because there isn't anything in the refrigerator except organic whole milk, if we're lucky, etc.). Every evening is spent getting James fed and bathed and if we're running on schedule, some playtime and book time too.

Those of you that are parents will laugh at our weakness. We're just not very good at pulling it all together yet. Take our yard for example. We live on a large, tree-covered lot in a heavily wooded neighborhood. Every Fall we curse the trees as it takes 2-3 leaf collections to dig us out of what falls from above. It's lovely for about a week and then it sucks.

This year, we missed the first leaf collection (they only gave us 48 hours notice) and we were only partially done by the second collection which took place on December 1st. Our front yard was still pretty covered and over this past weekend, Alex finally was able to devote some time to raking and bagging what was left. He filled about a dozen large yard bags and raked the remaining leaves into 2 huge piles.

Last night when we came home, the leaves were all gone and there was a pile of empty yard bags where the leaves used to be. The 2 large piles were also completely gone. No leaves. Someone stole our leaves! Too bad you can't see my gleeful smile as I type this.

So what happened? There wasn't a third collection and it wasn't the right day for the recycling people to come collect yard refuse. Plus, the bags were still in our yard and not where we normally leave our garbage cans, etc. Even if someone was collecting for mulching, it seems silly that they would actually take piles of leaves that weren't bagged yet, especially in a wooded neighborhood where you can walk into the woods and collect all the leaves you want.

Did someone's heart grow three sizes in one day? Did our neighbors take pity on us due to the obvious signs that we're falling behind on our Autumn yard maintenance? Our neighbors are all very nice but they're busy too. Who would possibly have the time to do this? I think I need to bake cookies for at least our immediate neighbors which would be a nice thing to do anyway.

Thank you nice neighbor or random person collecting leaves. Thank you so much for giving us the impossible gift of time as we won't have to spend anymore time on raking up those pesky front yard leaves. We really appreciate your generosity and it reestablished my faith in the knowledge that one small act of kindness can mean so much. I plan to pay it forward.

And nice neighbor or random person, there are more leaves where that came from! We have some left in the back yard too, just in case you're interested.

Lauren

It Takes a Village, and the Mayor of the Village Needs a Nap

It’s been a busy month or two and there have been many times I wanted to write but just didn’t find the time. I “transitioned” back to work in mid-September which means I was supposed to ease back in but more or less jumped (was pushed?) off the cliff and into the deep end of the pool. It feels good to swim into my professional life again though. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed it on some level. A business trip to Switzerland in early December helped me get over the transition. Just ply me with lovely cheese, wine and chocolate and it’s all good!

My dad and B came for the first two weeks of November to meet James. They were here for James’ big birthday party and for the final few weeks of my FMLA. My dad was smitten with James and vice-versa. It was very cute to watch. Frankly, I don’t remember my dad liking children. He liked/loved us but wasn’t a warm-fuzzy. He was/is a scientist and had/has a very practical approach to life without a lot of fluff. So seeing him interact with my son (think “oochie snoochie woochie!”) was nice. He was very gentle and tender with him and spent just about every waking moment playing with him. We spent lots of time at the park, walking in the woods, and doing some nice DC things. Having them around meant that I could get in a run while they watched James too. It was so nice to have the extra set of hands and James loved the attention from all of his loyal subjects. Sadly, after they left to head home to Washington State, James looked for them for a few days. Now he looks at pictures of them and says “Gran Graw” which is also very cute.

The Tol party was fabulous! James had a terrific time and was very patient with all of the attention. We had some friends and family visit that hadn’t been able to meet him yet so it was nice all around. Our friends and family went way out of their way to welcome James and celebrate his Tol. We let James choose twice and the first time he selected drumsticks and Alex’s shiny police badge. The second time he chose a polio virus model (I had to have something that represented my scientific side of the family) and the red thread for long life. With his choices we have big plans for him to be a forensic FBI agent that plays in a rock band on the side.

I had a couple of epiphanies during the party weekend. Mostly, I have to say that I’m one of the luckiest people that I know. My very tiny list of people that Alex and I are touched by and thankful for everyday (in no particular order):

My father, who at some point in his life thought that it was okay to move his wife and young child to Seoul. This was a really long time ago (we don’t need to go into my age, okay?) but the experience of living overseas as a child taught me more about our global community that I ever learned in grad school. He remembers living in Korea and had colleagues/friends there his entire career, many of whom he still keeps in touch with. He is very enthusiastic about the country’s rich culture and history and he happily shared with all of our guests about how wonderful Korean customs are. It was my dad that encouraged me to follow my heart back to Seoul. Watching him climb up the playground equipment to take James down the slide is something that I never thought I’d see but am so glad I did.

B, my dad’s very significant other, who lovingly made James the cutest sock monkey (named “Monkey”) and who put up with staying with us for two weeks so that she and my dad could get to know James. She was amazing and James barely got a single cry out of his little mouth when waking up from a nap before Grandma B was plucking him out of the crib for a snuggle. Watching him light up every time he saw her helps both Alex and I know that while our moms aren’t with us anymore, there are wonderful people in our lives like Grandma B, Grandma J and Grandma E who are here. There isn’t ever a replacement for a person, we recognize this intensely in our adoption of James, but there are people who generously open hearts to make sure that a child feels loved. In that sense B is a “real” grandma.

C, James’ auntie that has embraced him and our journey since its inception. While C has done more for us than I could ever summarize here, she went to amazing lengths to make sure that James’ party was as exciting and fun as it could be. She didn’t blink when I said I wanted to make candy sushi for the kids, she just asked “maki or sashimi?” and then she sat in my kitchen with me until late in the evening crafting sushi out of rice krispy treats, fruit roll-ups, sour licorice, and various gummy candy (the Haribo Gummy Clownfish made the best nigiri). C’s mom E has also been a huge gift to us. When I met C, I never knew that my son would eventually find a grandma in her mom but Grandma E is the real deal.

My brother-in-law, his wife and their four gorgeous girls (our nieces). They came dressed in Asian outfits for the occasion and they adore James. He adores them right back. They are wonderful and have done so much to support us at every step. How he came to the family may be a bit non-traditional but to his cousins it doesn’t matter how he got here, just that he’s here. My SiL has spent a lot of time talking to all of her kids about what adoption is and what it means. She’s done this very thoughtfully and used language that’s respectful to James, his birth family and his country. We are so very fortunate to have them in our lives.

My brother J who is living and teaching in Korea. We miss him terribly, especially during the holidays when we have to make the gravy and mashed potatoes ourselves. He’s a great person and I’m so proud of how he’s embraced a country and a language that he had never experienced before. In just 2 months he learned to read Hangul (although he’ll be modest and say that’s not a big deal). He has a great take on it all and posts some very cool things about Korean culture and customs on his blog. My only sadness is that Korea is really far away…for several reasons but missing J being the main one right now.

Really amazing and generous friends like G, J, S and others. We’ve had such amazing support this year that I can’t even express it all. Holding James while our family and friends gathered around him and sang Happy Birthday to him at his party, I suddenly realized that they don’t view James as our adopted child from Korea but simply as our son. Knowing our family and friends, I never doubted that would be the case but seeing it was very touching.

My brave son, who teaches me something new and makes me laugh every day. James had no choice in our decision to adopt him. I know he remembers his foster family and he grieved their loss when we brought him to the U.S. just as he will grieve the separation from his birth family. Grief isn’t finite, it’s an ongoing process. He’s learned to trust and love us and we are grateful for the opportunity to be his parents. We will never forget his first family and we will honor them in our lives until we have the chance to help James reestablish his connection to them. We’re going to make mistakes along the way but we’re going to do our absolute best by him.

So I’m sort catching up and trying to reflect on this year. I’m kind of in the throws of holiday planning and end of year stuff, but I’m looking to catching up on blogs I follow.

Very Cool Site for Korean Adoptive Parents

I have to give a shout-out and huge thanks to Alicia with The First Glimpse. Alicia is an adoptive parent that has a terrific creative eye and does custom announcements, cards and invitations. While I'm sure she would do a beautiful job for any family, her specialty is creating things for Korean adoptive families and their children.

We looked all over for invitations for James' Tol and couldn't find anything. I really wanted something that coveyed more than the typical "baby's first birthday."When we found Alicia's site, we fell in love with her very personal creations.

In a previous post I mentioned that we struggled with getting good pictures of James in his hanbok but she was still able to create this:

These are press-printed cards that are printed on front and back. She gave me a copy with the address/last name removed so that I could share them here. You should be able to click on the picture to make it a little bigger.

We are so happy with them and can't wait to put them in the mail to our family and friends.

She had all kinds of terrific options that incorporate Hangul characters and are very unique and special. I know I've struggled to find items that incorporate Korean language/customs and she does a nice job with this.

I've linked her site above so that you can find her too.

Thanks Alicia!

Lauren

Preparing for the Big Day

James' first birthday is coming and we found a wonderful company that designs Tol invitations. The catch? You need to send pictures of the baby wearing their hanbok and they design the invite around the picture. On their website you see these great invitations with pictures of adorable babies dressed in hanboks and smiling to the camera. There are absolutely no pictures of angry babies crying in their hanbok.

You can tell what's coming, can't you?

We set out to Brookside Gardens this morning to take pictures of little James in his hanbok. His foster family gave this to us when we met them in Korea and we've been excited to see him wear it hoping we could send back pictures to them. They could then see he's doing well and also know that we're doing our best to maintain a cultural connection. Good feelings all around! Well, one out of two isn't bad, right?

It was a little bit warm when we got to the gardens so we decided to start indoors. In the lobby of the conservatory, we stripped James down to a onsie and loaded him into the enormous, and mostly pink, hanbok. He did look very cute but was almost unable to sit up due to the fabric smothering him. Several people stopped by to say that our daughter was very cute. Umm, no, it's a boy. However, one Korean couple introduced themselves and ooohh'd and aaaahhh'd over him. We had a nice chat as I was sweating jumping up and down trying to get some sort of smile out of James. I was also making crazy noises and singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" (his favorite) trying to get his attention. Not much worked but we did get one smiling picture out of the 25 or so we took. I think the smile was smothered under the sheer weight of the fabric...notice you don't see his hands in this picture and the red tie is supposed to go around him twice and tight (it doesn't).


We thought we'd take him outside for a bit to see if we could get some shots there. We found a beautiful spot by a fountain and tried to take some pictures. Note the terrific shot of almost the back of his head! The water proved to be too much of a distraction.



So we moved on , determined to get the right photo. One that shows his happy personality and shows off his beautiful hanbok. Who would have thought those things might be mutually exclusive?

Here is my favorite picture from the entire experience. Gee, I'm sure his foster family would be so pleased to know that we've been able to make James this happy:


And we're done here. Shortly after this photo there was a lot of crying (by all parties) and we threw in the towel.

At our car we were getting ready to strip off the dreaded outfit and another car pulled up next to us. An older woman jumped out and signaled to her husband to wait. She was from Korea and spoke very little English. She conveyed that they had been driving through the parking lot and suddenly saw the striped hanbok sleeves and told her husband to stop. She was SO excited to see a baby in a hanbok! She asked all about him and smiled and cooed to him in Korean. He ate it up and was his absolutely charming self. We talked about his upcoming Tol and she couldn't believe that two American parents would bother to do this for an adopted child. She was very touched and very sweet to us. I didn't bother to explain that most of the adoptive families we know are doing their best to incorporate Korean culture into their lives but it was nice to see how important it really is from her perspective. So finally some good feelings!

When we got home I called and made an appointment with a professional studio. It's not until the day before his party but I can live with that. I sent 1-2 pictures to the invitation lady to see if she can use them. If not, I'll buy packages of regular birthday party invitations and quit torturing myself (and my son).

Lauren

Shame, Shame, Shame....My Only Political Post

I read political blogs and follow the news but don't care to get into the red and the blue on this blog. I'm more purple than red or blue and no one wants to read my very middle-of-the-road opinons. I live in a very blue state and a cobalt blue county. I want the best chances for people but also believe that people have to be responsible and accountable for their actions. I was raised under the "work hard, pay your way" plan. I don't believe that home ownership is a right, I believe you work for it. When you can afford it, THEN you buy the house. I believe in access to affordable health care but don't believe in a socialist medicine. Free health care is not a right guaranteed by the Constitution and you know, someone has to pay for it. I acknowledge that our health care system is broken but a free ride for everyone based on the backs of the middle-class hamsters pisses me off. Because I'm on that hamster wheel and I keep paying more and more for less and less.

It floors me that our government approved a bailout for companies that basically have made such poor business choices that they've run themselves into the ground. With everything we know about markets, we've created a false one and this bailout just pumps additional funds into the fantasy. Believe me, I hear the large sucking sound in the background letting me know that my 401k is tanking but we know that markets adjust. Any basic economics course will tell you that adjustments happen and the more we interfere, the worse we make it. But right or wrong, we have a spending problem. This whole country is like a teenager out of control with a parent's credit card. Guess what folks, Mom and Dad finally got the bill in the mail. We have been living far beyond our means both personally and governmentally. We can't afford many of the programs we have in place but both politicians can't wait to roll out the newest ways to spend our money. Of course, all plans come with some statistician's explanation of how it will actually save us money. This combined with our eternal focus on the material, new plasmas, new shoes, new clothes, new cars. We need it! We want it and we don't care because we have our stocks and 401ks that will save for our retirement. I understand that there were some instances of predatory lending practices but seriously folks, no one forced you to buy more house than you could afford. I'm sick of interviews with people saying they deserve help to stay in their homes and they have new cars in the driveway in the background. Did they ever stop to think that maybe they shouldn't buy that new flat-screen tv because THEY COULDN'T AFFORD IT?

Okay so back to purple and my single political post. I've already mentioned that I was furious about the bailout. I'd consider a plan that was well researched and developed on the principles of transparency and what was best for the public but that's NOT what was proposed and certainly not what passed. The bill was based on fear, secrecy, panic and greed. And they couldn't resist, could they? In this bill passed in "dire financial straits" there is PORK! Children's toy arrows, car racing tracks, fishermen, etc. Golden parachutes all around too because the poor performers are already lounging by the pool with their fruity drink.

Seriously, both McCain and Obama are bright people. I honestly don't think either one of them would have supported the bailout if we weren't looking down the barrel of the election. It's hard to have the "people need to live within their means" discussion now, isn't it? But whomever carries the election in November, PLEASE STOP SPENDING BEYOND WHAT WE CAN AFFORD!

My parting shot...after we spend $85 billion to bailout AIG we get this:

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=5973452&page=1

The poor execs at AIG were so stressed out by their week on Capitol Hill that that they had to recover at a luxury resort and spend close to $500,000 for a retreat. I threw up a little in my mouth when I hit the $26,000 in spa charges. Manis and pedis with our bailout. We got ripped off...seriously ripped off.

Shame on them, shame on our Government leaders for forcing this on us without the research, due diligence and discussion it needed, and shame on us for our spending habits and not taking savings seriously.

As a purple hamster, I'm getting really tired on this wheel.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.......

Something to Share from Another Blogger

Jane Jeong Trenka who is a wonderful blogger living in Seoul wrote a beautiful post that everyone should read. It made me cry (not the reason to read it) but it contains the hope that I have for my son. That someday he will meet his birth family.

http://jjtrenka.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/%EC%9A%B0%EB%A6%AC-%EC%97%84%EB%A7%88%EC%97%90%EA%B2%8C/

It pulls some of the universal threads for the people who are not adoptees but who very much love an adoptee(s) and their birth families.

Lauren

Baby's First Racial Slight

I haven't posted much on my own feelings/experiences about race but I was compelled to try to sort out some of my feelings after an incident I had this weekend. As adoptive parents, Alex and I were willing to adopt a child of another racial background. We consider ourselves fairly well-versed, researching the issues, rather than simply jumping in and thinking that if we loved a child enough, race wouldn’t matter. We don’t have all of the answers (again, I'm an AP so my perspective is from the "new AP" category) but this is an area that is definitely on our radar and we support an open dialogue. We undertook our adoption knowing that we had to be prepared to deal with the racism that our child would most certainly experience, even in our diverse community.

So while I’m not an expert, I’m prepared, not only to speak but also to listen. It’s funny though, when I had adult adoptees tell me that my child would experience racism as the son of white parents, I assumed it would be from strangers. I wasn’t expecting it from children (although many adoptees have written and talked about being singled out as children for their features).

This past weekend, I spent two nights with the daughters of a couple that Alex and I are friends with. The parents were celebrating a big anniversary and while the older girl can stay home alone, the younger one needs more supervision. These girls are terrific kids and were in our wedding 8 years ago. A is now 17, almost 18 and C is 13. Fun, right? I get to be a soccer/basketball mom for a weekend and catch up with the girls.

Friday night C and I were on our own as A had dinner with friends. C spent time filling me in on her sports stuff (she’s an incredible athlete already), school, and her friends. C and some of her friends are super into rap and hip-hop so we also talked about music too. I filled her in on how Baby James is doing and showed her some pictures of how cute he is. Then we talked about race. Here is how our conversation went, and by the way, C is Caucasian:

Me: So how is school going? Do you like middle school?

C: It’s okay. Our school is kind of rough and a lot of kids have problems.

Me: Really? What kind of problems?

C: Drugs and stuff. Me and my friends just kind of ignore it. But the teachers seem kind of scared of the kids.

Me: Are you riding the bus to school?

C: Yeah. Oh, and it’s so fun, me and my friends make fun of all of the Asian kids on the bus! They’re so nerdy and some of them can’t even tell what we’re saying so they just smile and nod. They don’t even know we’re making fun of them. It’s so funny! They’re so stupid. We get in their faces on the bus and we play Zap.

Me: ……………….ummmm, what? You mean you pick on these kids? Because they’re Asian? But why?

C: Cause they’re nerds. All they do is study. They have no life. And a lot of them can’t understand what we’re saying anyway.

Me: So let me get this right, you and your friends make fun of Asian kids at school and on the bus because they’re nerds and because they’re Asian. Nerds equals Asian and Asian equals nerds. Is that right?

C: (Laughing) Yep! It’s soooo funny!

Me: Ummm, you realize that I have an Asian son? James is from Korea. Korea is one of many countries that get lumped into the term “Asian.”

C: (quiet)

Me: So if James was in middle school with you, you would pick on him? And you would never get to know him or be kind to him. You would just be mean to him. Just because he’s not white?

C: Well, they don’t really understand that we’re making fun of them.

Me: If I was sitting on the bus and didn’t speak any English and you and your friends were making fun of me by laughing and getting in my face, I wouldn’t know you were being mean to me?

C: I don’t know. You’re not Asian.

Me: Have you asked them if they understand you? Is it fair to say that they might know since you’re in their faces? Do you think they like it when someone gets in their face and makes fun of them?

C: I don’t know.

Me: Wow, that makes me really sad. You and your friends are using stereotypes plus you’re harassing these kids. How do you think that makes them feel? You’re behavior is racist. Do you know what that means?

C: I’m not racist. My friends are all black and racism is when you’re mean to black people because they’re black.

Small aside: This is true, with the exception of maybe 2-3 friends, all of C’s friends are African-American.

Me: Racism is actually a belief that race is the primary factor that determines a person’s traits, potential or capabilities. Stereotyping means that you assign characteristics to a person because of their race. For example, “all Asian kids are good at math” is a stereotype. Are all Asian kids really good at math? Harassing or discriminating against someone because of what race they are is racist behavior.

C: Lots of them are good at math. All they do is study.

Me: How do you know that?

C: I see them studying in class.

Me: Do you see their grades?

C: No.

Me: How do you know that they get good grades then? Are the best math students in your school the best at math because they study or because they’re Asian? Are any other kids good at math in your school?

C: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they study.

Me: So if someone picked on you because you’re white, how would you feel? What if someone said “C can’t be our friend or on our basketball team because she’s white and white girls can’t play basketball.”

C: But white girls can play basketball. I’m white and I can play basketball.

Me: But if I had a basketball team and I said I only want girls that can play basketball and white girls can’t, so you can’t be on my team, what would you do?

C: I’d tell you that I can play….and maybe I’d show you.

Me: But would it be fair of me to treat you differently than any other girl that wants to play basketball?

C: No and I’d be mad.

Me: You should be! If I’m telling you that because you’re white, you automatically have or don’t have certain skills, you should be mad.

C: But we’re just kidding around with these kids. We aren’t really hurting their feelings.

Me: Again, how do you know? Have you asked them?

C: (quiet) No….

Me: Maybe you should. And harassing any kid, for any reason, is bullying. Are you a bully?

C: (quiet) No….I don’t think so.

Me: So you’re just acting like a bully?

C: (close to tears)…..Maybe.

Me: Is that okay? Do you want to be a bully? Do you want to hurt other people’s feelings on purpose?

C: No.

Me: Hmmm, then maybe you need to change your behavior. Maybe you should apologize to these kids for your behavior?

C: Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, I probably could have handled this better. I have no illusions that C will run to these kids and apologize. I was just so shocked and so sad to hear all of this out of her. I followed up with her parents because I was worried and after I relayed the conversation, her mom was pretty upset and said she’d make it a point to speak to her. Her mom also said that C herself had been picked on extensively by a group of students but that most of them are now her friends. She said that under the pressure of being picked on, C had reinvented herself to fit what this group of kids liked. For example, she decided she liked rap and hip-hop because that’s what these kids listened to. She shunned everything they shunned and measured her likes and dislikes by what they thought. Obviously there are several issues here but I was encouraged that her mom and dad had strong views on racism, stereotyping and bullying and that they weren’t going to ignore it.

The final sad exchange happened when I left. C asked me if she could babysit for Baby James sometime. She’s just getting into babysitting and was thinking that when he’s a little older, she could watch him. I told her that she probably couldn’t watch James because I didn’t want to take the chance that she would say something negative about his race. I told her that we were going to raise James to be very proud of his Korean background and that because she was currently in a place where she felt it was okay to pick on Asian kids, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with James. This might have been too strong but I wanted to make sure she understood that her behavior has consequences, not just for the kids she’s picking on but also for her personal relationships. She looked humiliated and held her head down, not meeting my eyes at all when I said goodbye.

With all of the “firsts” we’re experiencing with James, this isn’t one that I expected so soon. But hopefully the conversation that C and I had starts a conversation in her home too. Regardless of how I handled it, I chose not to ignore it. That's a choice that I can continue to make.