Giving Away Babies

A very close friend called a few nights ago and asked if her cousin K, also an acquaintance of ours, could call me because they are going to adopt a baby domestically and had some questions. I was aware that K and her husband went through difficult challenges to have their son, including the deaths of twin boys in a late term miscarriage. K has health issues related to the fact that her mom took DES while pregnant with her. Ultimately they were able to have a son 5 years ago and had decided that having one child was more than enough for them.

Of course, I'm happy to discuss our experience with the caveat that it's simply our experience. I learned a long time ago that being an AP doesn't make me much of an expert in anything. I expressed that I'd be happy to chat but that I'm not as knowledgeable about domestic adoption and said they might want to see if their adoption agency had recommendations for someone to talk to. I'm sure they had to go through a pre-adoption group of some sort, right? This is where things got weird.

"They're not using an agency, someone is just giving a baby to them." Ummm, well, who is just giving a baby to them? A friend of K's from high school has an adult daughter (21 years old) with a three-year old little girl. The adult daughter engaged in some risky behavior at a party (her description, not mine) and is now 8 weeks pregnant with her second child and wants to "give away" the baby. The friend, or baby's grandma, thought of K and her husband because she knows of the trouble they had conceiving their son and thinks they'd be great parents. Plus that way the baby goes to a good home. Oh and the best part, according to the friend, is that the birth mother doesn't want any money so they are getting a baby for free.

Whoa, wow...where do I even start with how truly icked out/upset this conversation made me. But, I'm trying to be calm and not sound like a condescending AP (sorry, but there are some of us that are sometimes...maybe even me). I asked if K talked to the daughter/birth mother about how she feels? She's an adult after all so it seems odd that her mother is brokering her baby to old high school friends. Plus, she's 8 weeks pregnant. It doesn't seem like she's had much time to make a decision and I'd be worried that this kind of a decision, made under emotional stress and pressure, isn't necessarily what she wants or has had time to consider fully.

Then I asked about the birth father...and was sorry I asked. "Oh, the birth father won't be a problem, she's not going to list him on the birth certificate." Problem? He has a right to know about his baby. What if he wants to raise the baby? And then I heard it, the age-old argument/rationalization for adoption:

The baby would be better off with K and her husband because they are secure financially and could give the baby a better home with a mom and dad.

Argh, better off according to what standard? what committee? what policy? what family? So it's okay to lie or "not tell" a person about his child because he falls into a certain income bracket? Or because he's young (he's also 21).

So rather than shout at my friend, she's not the one adopting although it upsets me that she's not recognizing that the situation is problematic, I wrote down a few things for her to send to K before we talk. Here is a summary:

A. The birth mother has feelings and rights. She may eventually wish to have you adopt her baby but she might also be feeling pressured to make this decision. She needs to take some time to figure out what she wants to do independent of family/friend pressure and hopefully she can get some counseling to help in this process. Can you wait until she has the time to make this decision appropriately and can you live with her decision, no matter what it is? Are you okay if she changes her mind, even after the baby's birth?

B. The birth father has feelings and rights too. Omission from a birth certificate doesn't erase him from the picture. The birth mother needs to let him know of the situation so that he can identify his options and weigh his choices.

C. The most important person in the equation is the baby. Babies grow up and want to know where they came from. Any pressured decisions, omissions, half-truths, lies, will come out eventually. A better income doesn't equate to a better home.

D. For K and her husband, do you understand the full concept of adoption, not the sanitized media version? Can you embrace the complexity of the concept? Are you able to support an open adoption? This baby will come into the world with a biological sibling. Are you prepared to support that relationship? Can you also get counseling? Can you find an adoption agency to work with or at least a social worker experienced in adoption issues to talk to? Are you prepared to not only adopt this baby but also to adopt this family as you'll forever be connected to them. How will you explain this to your 5-year old and other family members? How will they feel/react to this new child?

Of course, it's just a start. I'm going to see K this Saturday to talk. I have a stack of adoption stuff to give her. I don't know if it will help as we already have the "God decided to give us a baby" conversation going on within this family. Yep, God decided to give this young woman low self-esteem so that she'd go to a party, drink too much, have unprotected sex with a crush, get pregnant, have a baby and give it to you, all to make you happy. Unfortunately I don't know enough about private adoption and whether a home study is required for all states, etc. The family is on the east coast and the baby will be born in the mid-west so there are interstate issues here too.

Alex and I talked about it and because of how awful we felt about the situation, acknowledging that people around this young woman may take advantage of her, we'd limit ourselves to one conversation with them about this. We can point them towards ethical adoption and share our beliefs but that's it. K and her husband are good people and I have to have faith that they will ultimately do what is best for the baby. I hope, I hope...

Lauren

Dual Citizenship

Margie @ Third Mom posted a comment to share very important news. The Korean Government is taking steps to allow adoptees to apply for dual citizenship. The sticking point was the mandatory military service requirement for citizens but there appears to be a compromise in the works.

Not many details yet but for those of us not wanting to shut the door on our children's birth country, this is wonderful.

http://kadnexus.wordpress.com/2008/12/30/korean-adoptees-allowed-dual-citizenship/

You can also see the Dual Citizenship Campagn press release on GOAL's site.

http://www.goal.or.kr/docs/dual_citizenship_2008.pdf


Lauren

Happy New Year (and Blogger Confessions)

Geeze I’m out of the loop and feeling really disconnected. I haven't had much to say. Life is busy and been posting to my photo blog instead. It’s a little more private and I don’t feel as “naked” since it’s protected. Plus I’ve been kind of discouraged by some of what’s said in the adoption blog arena and I haven’t felt much like engaging. Lately I’ve felt like there’s a lot of dictating of feelings “all adoptees feel this way”, “APs are never going to get it”, “birth mothers couldn’t possibly understand”, etc. Blech. I can’t really speak to anyone’s feelings or understanding. I have a hard enough time figuring out what my own feelings are much less validating (or in many cases, invalidating) those of others. I’m more interested in reading what people think/feel rather than what they think everyone else thinks/feels. Those are the posts that make me think and those are the ones that I learn from. But enough about what I need/want! I know I’m generalizing and there have been some very cool posts (and most excellent news) too.

We had a really nice holiday. Santa stopped by. James didn’t understand Santa but appreciates the really fantastic wagon and toy electric guitar that Santa brought. Santa learned a valuable lesson about “Adult assembly required” and we learned that it is possible for a cat to climb an artificial tree (we have one of each). We had a smaller group for Christmas Day dinner than in previous years but it was probably a blessing (15 for dinner instead of the usual 23-25). We did so much less than we normally do but there was still plenty.

Success!

Santa also brought new running shoes for the half-marathon series and training books hoping I’ll come to my senses and not run the Chicago Marathon in October (peer pressure is a SOB). Sitting around drinking wine while discussing the possibilities with friends didn’t help any. Twenty-six point 2 miles doesn’t seem as intimidating while standing in my pajama pants holding a glass of Bordeaux in one hand and a cookie in the other. James received a new running stroller bunting so he can be part of the action.

And life goes on…James adoption has been cleared for our final steps. I’m sad that this process robs him of his Korean citizenship and truly wish that Korea and the U.S. had a dual citizenship agreement. With all of our efforts to keep him/us connected to Korea, it would be a seemingly small allowance that would mean so much for his future. We’re working on our plans for Seollal too and the timing might be such that we have one celebration for both events. Mostly we’re consumed with the rhythm of life (daycare, work, laundry, learning to walk, what’s for dinner?). I have a couple of posts to muddle through related to adoption (my feelings only, I promise). I’ll get to them soon…really.

So I’ll wish for you what we toasted our guests with on Christmas Day, that your joys outnumber your sorrows and that as you walk into this new year, you have peace, health, and friends and family that you love and trust.

Hold hands, stick together and look both ways before stepping off the curb too.

Lauren

A Christmas Theft...

Things are crazy, for everyone I'm sure. Alex and I are still learning to manage our schedules now that we're both back at work and James is at daycare. Every morning is filled with whatever we didn't get done the night before (clothes for us/James, making lunches, collecting drycleaning to drop off, looking in the refrigerator for something for dinner, laughing because there isn't anything in the refrigerator except organic whole milk, if we're lucky, etc.). Every evening is spent getting James fed and bathed and if we're running on schedule, some playtime and book time too.

Those of you that are parents will laugh at our weakness. We're just not very good at pulling it all together yet. Take our yard for example. We live on a large, tree-covered lot in a heavily wooded neighborhood. Every Fall we curse the trees as it takes 2-3 leaf collections to dig us out of what falls from above. It's lovely for about a week and then it sucks.

This year, we missed the first leaf collection (they only gave us 48 hours notice) and we were only partially done by the second collection which took place on December 1st. Our front yard was still pretty covered and over this past weekend, Alex finally was able to devote some time to raking and bagging what was left. He filled about a dozen large yard bags and raked the remaining leaves into 2 huge piles.

Last night when we came home, the leaves were all gone and there was a pile of empty yard bags where the leaves used to be. The 2 large piles were also completely gone. No leaves. Someone stole our leaves! Too bad you can't see my gleeful smile as I type this.

So what happened? There wasn't a third collection and it wasn't the right day for the recycling people to come collect yard refuse. Plus, the bags were still in our yard and not where we normally leave our garbage cans, etc. Even if someone was collecting for mulching, it seems silly that they would actually take piles of leaves that weren't bagged yet, especially in a wooded neighborhood where you can walk into the woods and collect all the leaves you want.

Did someone's heart grow three sizes in one day? Did our neighbors take pity on us due to the obvious signs that we're falling behind on our Autumn yard maintenance? Our neighbors are all very nice but they're busy too. Who would possibly have the time to do this? I think I need to bake cookies for at least our immediate neighbors which would be a nice thing to do anyway.

Thank you nice neighbor or random person collecting leaves. Thank you so much for giving us the impossible gift of time as we won't have to spend anymore time on raking up those pesky front yard leaves. We really appreciate your generosity and it reestablished my faith in the knowledge that one small act of kindness can mean so much. I plan to pay it forward.

And nice neighbor or random person, there are more leaves where that came from! We have some left in the back yard too, just in case you're interested.

Lauren

It Takes a Village, and the Mayor of the Village Needs a Nap

It’s been a busy month or two and there have been many times I wanted to write but just didn’t find the time. I “transitioned” back to work in mid-September which means I was supposed to ease back in but more or less jumped (was pushed?) off the cliff and into the deep end of the pool. It feels good to swim into my professional life again though. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed it on some level. A business trip to Switzerland in early December helped me get over the transition. Just ply me with lovely cheese, wine and chocolate and it’s all good!

My dad and B came for the first two weeks of November to meet James. They were here for James’ big birthday party and for the final few weeks of my FMLA. My dad was smitten with James and vice-versa. It was very cute to watch. Frankly, I don’t remember my dad liking children. He liked/loved us but wasn’t a warm-fuzzy. He was/is a scientist and had/has a very practical approach to life without a lot of fluff. So seeing him interact with my son (think “oochie snoochie woochie!”) was nice. He was very gentle and tender with him and spent just about every waking moment playing with him. We spent lots of time at the park, walking in the woods, and doing some nice DC things. Having them around meant that I could get in a run while they watched James too. It was so nice to have the extra set of hands and James loved the attention from all of his loyal subjects. Sadly, after they left to head home to Washington State, James looked for them for a few days. Now he looks at pictures of them and says “Gran Graw” which is also very cute.

The Tol party was fabulous! James had a terrific time and was very patient with all of the attention. We had some friends and family visit that hadn’t been able to meet him yet so it was nice all around. Our friends and family went way out of their way to welcome James and celebrate his Tol. We let James choose twice and the first time he selected drumsticks and Alex’s shiny police badge. The second time he chose a polio virus model (I had to have something that represented my scientific side of the family) and the red thread for long life. With his choices we have big plans for him to be a forensic FBI agent that plays in a rock band on the side.

I had a couple of epiphanies during the party weekend. Mostly, I have to say that I’m one of the luckiest people that I know. My very tiny list of people that Alex and I are touched by and thankful for everyday (in no particular order):

My father, who at some point in his life thought that it was okay to move his wife and young child to Seoul. This was a really long time ago (we don’t need to go into my age, okay?) but the experience of living overseas as a child taught me more about our global community that I ever learned in grad school. He remembers living in Korea and had colleagues/friends there his entire career, many of whom he still keeps in touch with. He is very enthusiastic about the country’s rich culture and history and he happily shared with all of our guests about how wonderful Korean customs are. It was my dad that encouraged me to follow my heart back to Seoul. Watching him climb up the playground equipment to take James down the slide is something that I never thought I’d see but am so glad I did.

B, my dad’s very significant other, who lovingly made James the cutest sock monkey (named “Monkey”) and who put up with staying with us for two weeks so that she and my dad could get to know James. She was amazing and James barely got a single cry out of his little mouth when waking up from a nap before Grandma B was plucking him out of the crib for a snuggle. Watching him light up every time he saw her helps both Alex and I know that while our moms aren’t with us anymore, there are wonderful people in our lives like Grandma B, Grandma J and Grandma E who are here. There isn’t ever a replacement for a person, we recognize this intensely in our adoption of James, but there are people who generously open hearts to make sure that a child feels loved. In that sense B is a “real” grandma.

C, James’ auntie that has embraced him and our journey since its inception. While C has done more for us than I could ever summarize here, she went to amazing lengths to make sure that James’ party was as exciting and fun as it could be. She didn’t blink when I said I wanted to make candy sushi for the kids, she just asked “maki or sashimi?” and then she sat in my kitchen with me until late in the evening crafting sushi out of rice krispy treats, fruit roll-ups, sour licorice, and various gummy candy (the Haribo Gummy Clownfish made the best nigiri). C’s mom E has also been a huge gift to us. When I met C, I never knew that my son would eventually find a grandma in her mom but Grandma E is the real deal.

My brother-in-law, his wife and their four gorgeous girls (our nieces). They came dressed in Asian outfits for the occasion and they adore James. He adores them right back. They are wonderful and have done so much to support us at every step. How he came to the family may be a bit non-traditional but to his cousins it doesn’t matter how he got here, just that he’s here. My SiL has spent a lot of time talking to all of her kids about what adoption is and what it means. She’s done this very thoughtfully and used language that’s respectful to James, his birth family and his country. We are so very fortunate to have them in our lives.

My brother J who is living and teaching in Korea. We miss him terribly, especially during the holidays when we have to make the gravy and mashed potatoes ourselves. He’s a great person and I’m so proud of how he’s embraced a country and a language that he had never experienced before. In just 2 months he learned to read Hangul (although he’ll be modest and say that’s not a big deal). He has a great take on it all and posts some very cool things about Korean culture and customs on his blog. My only sadness is that Korea is really far away…for several reasons but missing J being the main one right now.

Really amazing and generous friends like G, J, S and others. We’ve had such amazing support this year that I can’t even express it all. Holding James while our family and friends gathered around him and sang Happy Birthday to him at his party, I suddenly realized that they don’t view James as our adopted child from Korea but simply as our son. Knowing our family and friends, I never doubted that would be the case but seeing it was very touching.

My brave son, who teaches me something new and makes me laugh every day. James had no choice in our decision to adopt him. I know he remembers his foster family and he grieved their loss when we brought him to the U.S. just as he will grieve the separation from his birth family. Grief isn’t finite, it’s an ongoing process. He’s learned to trust and love us and we are grateful for the opportunity to be his parents. We will never forget his first family and we will honor them in our lives until we have the chance to help James reestablish his connection to them. We’re going to make mistakes along the way but we’re going to do our absolute best by him.

So I’m sort catching up and trying to reflect on this year. I’m kind of in the throws of holiday planning and end of year stuff, but I’m looking to catching up on blogs I follow.

Very Cool Site for Korean Adoptive Parents

I have to give a shout-out and huge thanks to Alicia with The First Glimpse. Alicia is an adoptive parent that has a terrific creative eye and does custom announcements, cards and invitations. While I'm sure she would do a beautiful job for any family, her specialty is creating things for Korean adoptive families and their children.

We looked all over for invitations for James' Tol and couldn't find anything. I really wanted something that coveyed more than the typical "baby's first birthday."When we found Alicia's site, we fell in love with her very personal creations.

In a previous post I mentioned that we struggled with getting good pictures of James in his hanbok but she was still able to create this:

These are press-printed cards that are printed on front and back. She gave me a copy with the address/last name removed so that I could share them here. You should be able to click on the picture to make it a little bigger.

We are so happy with them and can't wait to put them in the mail to our family and friends.

She had all kinds of terrific options that incorporate Hangul characters and are very unique and special. I know I've struggled to find items that incorporate Korean language/customs and she does a nice job with this.

I've linked her site above so that you can find her too.

Thanks Alicia!

Lauren

Preparing for the Big Day

James' first birthday is coming and we found a wonderful company that designs Tol invitations. The catch? You need to send pictures of the baby wearing their hanbok and they design the invite around the picture. On their website you see these great invitations with pictures of adorable babies dressed in hanboks and smiling to the camera. There are absolutely no pictures of angry babies crying in their hanbok.

You can tell what's coming, can't you?

We set out to Brookside Gardens this morning to take pictures of little James in his hanbok. His foster family gave this to us when we met them in Korea and we've been excited to see him wear it hoping we could send back pictures to them. They could then see he's doing well and also know that we're doing our best to maintain a cultural connection. Good feelings all around! Well, one out of two isn't bad, right?

It was a little bit warm when we got to the gardens so we decided to start indoors. In the lobby of the conservatory, we stripped James down to a onsie and loaded him into the enormous, and mostly pink, hanbok. He did look very cute but was almost unable to sit up due to the fabric smothering him. Several people stopped by to say that our daughter was very cute. Umm, no, it's a boy. However, one Korean couple introduced themselves and ooohh'd and aaaahhh'd over him. We had a nice chat as I was sweating jumping up and down trying to get some sort of smile out of James. I was also making crazy noises and singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" (his favorite) trying to get his attention. Not much worked but we did get one smiling picture out of the 25 or so we took. I think the smile was smothered under the sheer weight of the fabric...notice you don't see his hands in this picture and the red tie is supposed to go around him twice and tight (it doesn't).


We thought we'd take him outside for a bit to see if we could get some shots there. We found a beautiful spot by a fountain and tried to take some pictures. Note the terrific shot of almost the back of his head! The water proved to be too much of a distraction.



So we moved on , determined to get the right photo. One that shows his happy personality and shows off his beautiful hanbok. Who would have thought those things might be mutually exclusive?

Here is my favorite picture from the entire experience. Gee, I'm sure his foster family would be so pleased to know that we've been able to make James this happy:


And we're done here. Shortly after this photo there was a lot of crying (by all parties) and we threw in the towel.

At our car we were getting ready to strip off the dreaded outfit and another car pulled up next to us. An older woman jumped out and signaled to her husband to wait. She was from Korea and spoke very little English. She conveyed that they had been driving through the parking lot and suddenly saw the striped hanbok sleeves and told her husband to stop. She was SO excited to see a baby in a hanbok! She asked all about him and smiled and cooed to him in Korean. He ate it up and was his absolutely charming self. We talked about his upcoming Tol and she couldn't believe that two American parents would bother to do this for an adopted child. She was very touched and very sweet to us. I didn't bother to explain that most of the adoptive families we know are doing their best to incorporate Korean culture into their lives but it was nice to see how important it really is from her perspective. So finally some good feelings!

When we got home I called and made an appointment with a professional studio. It's not until the day before his party but I can live with that. I sent 1-2 pictures to the invitation lady to see if she can use them. If not, I'll buy packages of regular birthday party invitations and quit torturing myself (and my son).

Lauren