We’re home…
There is so much to say that I almost can’t speak. There’s been so much to feel that I’m almost numb. I can’t possibly do justice to our experiences of traveling to Seoul to meet our son here but I wanted to post a few thoughts. I owe 50 people phone calls and emails but haven’t quite gotten there so I apologize.
Seoul was amazing. It was like heading home in so many ways. Everything felt…familiar. I haven’t been there in so many years but when we lived there, in Seodaemun, I have fantastic memories of my family being together and being happy. It was a great experience, one that I feel shaped much of who I am as an adult, and it was wonderful to lose myself in the rhythm of the language and the city again. The city has changed. Buildings are taller and newer. It was strange to stand on the grounds of Deoksu and see skyscrapers all around. Some of them were there when I was a kid but I didn’t appreciate the juxtaposition of old and new until now. The smells, the tastes, the sounds…it took my breath away.
It’s more than I can explain, the overwhelming wash of emotions and thoughts. Euphoria, intense love, and happiness tinged with grief and probably a bit of anxiety. Alex and I both lost our mothers to cancer and we miss them now, more than we ever have. I felt my mom in Seoul, while I was walking through paths and places where she had held my hand and laughed as I played with children who spoke a language I didn’t yet understand. I think she was so brave. Agreeing to move her daughter to a country that was completely unknown to her and doing it with tremendous enthusiasm. My dad was working for the UN so she and I were largely on our own to explore when I wasn’t in school. The resources were much different then too, no daily email or internet to search for help. She and my father introduced me to this country that I will love forever. I kept waiting to round a corner in a market or garden and see her standing there. It was so unexpected but so comforting to find her memory there.
What of our son? He is amazing and very brave too. Our love for him is all-consuming and we are so happy to finally have him with us. He’s incredibly sweet and unexpectedly laid-back, thanks so a wonderful foster family. He remembers and misses his foster mother. We talk about her every day and have wonderful pictures we’ve shown him. Where are they, his birthparents? I searched faces in Seoul, not that I could pick them out, but I did anyway. They’re not in Seoul, I know that much, so my searching was futile but I couldn’t help it. Are they okay? Do they think about him the way that we think about them? They must, how could they not? Are we doing the right thing? Yes, we gave it all of the thought and consideration we possibly could in advance (years of consideration and research) but when you stand there with this little person in your arms and you board a plane to take him to another country, you think about it again and again and again. As I said before, it’s more than I could explain here and my thoughts are kind of jumbled.
So I apologize if this is little chaotic. We’re finally getting on the right day/night schedule since we were initially reversed. We saw the wrong side of 7:00 a.m. more days than I’d like to think about but we’re settling in now. We are in complete awe of our son and having a great time getting to know each other. We’ve actually been out and about quite a bit, to brunch and to visit friends. Plus a somewhat dramatic visit to the pediatrician (poor baby!). Here is what 3:00 a.m. looked like at our house last week:
I have a ton of pictures from Korea too. Some of you have the Snapfish link so if I’ve forgotten you and you're interested, please email me. There were a couple of adoptive parents that were interested in doing a trip to the Asian grocer with a Korean friend of ours. If you’re also interested, let me know by email so we can include you when we plan it. For those of you that are experimenting more with Korean cooking, this might help take some of the mystery out of the shopping and it should be a fun trip too!
My one last comment, if you’re a prospective AP and reading this, please travel to your child’s country. Don’t let that opportunity to meet their foster family and explore their culture pass you by. While I feel very comfortable with Korean culture and language, my husband had never been to Korea and it meant so much to him to be able to visit his son’s country. I know with the economy and escalating cost of tickets it might seem easier to have your child escorted. Understand that by having them escorted you will lose something invaluable that can never be replaced or recreated.
Okay, enough of this! Baby J will be up in just a few hours! Don’t be a stranger, we could use some adult conversation at this point!
Lauren
