It Takes a Village, and the Mayor of the Village Needs a Nap

It’s been a busy month or two and there have been many times I wanted to write but just didn’t find the time. I “transitioned” back to work in mid-September which means I was supposed to ease back in but more or less jumped (was pushed?) off the cliff and into the deep end of the pool. It feels good to swim into my professional life again though. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed it on some level. A business trip to Switzerland in early December helped me get over the transition. Just ply me with lovely cheese, wine and chocolate and it’s all good!

My dad and B came for the first two weeks of November to meet James. They were here for James’ big birthday party and for the final few weeks of my FMLA. My dad was smitten with James and vice-versa. It was very cute to watch. Frankly, I don’t remember my dad liking children. He liked/loved us but wasn’t a warm-fuzzy. He was/is a scientist and had/has a very practical approach to life without a lot of fluff. So seeing him interact with my son (think “oochie snoochie woochie!”) was nice. He was very gentle and tender with him and spent just about every waking moment playing with him. We spent lots of time at the park, walking in the woods, and doing some nice DC things. Having them around meant that I could get in a run while they watched James too. It was so nice to have the extra set of hands and James loved the attention from all of his loyal subjects. Sadly, after they left to head home to Washington State, James looked for them for a few days. Now he looks at pictures of them and says “Gran Graw” which is also very cute.

The Tol party was fabulous! James had a terrific time and was very patient with all of the attention. We had some friends and family visit that hadn’t been able to meet him yet so it was nice all around. Our friends and family went way out of their way to welcome James and celebrate his Tol. We let James choose twice and the first time he selected drumsticks and Alex’s shiny police badge. The second time he chose a polio virus model (I had to have something that represented my scientific side of the family) and the red thread for long life. With his choices we have big plans for him to be a forensic FBI agent that plays in a rock band on the side.

I had a couple of epiphanies during the party weekend. Mostly, I have to say that I’m one of the luckiest people that I know. My very tiny list of people that Alex and I are touched by and thankful for everyday (in no particular order):

My father, who at some point in his life thought that it was okay to move his wife and young child to Seoul. This was a really long time ago (we don’t need to go into my age, okay?) but the experience of living overseas as a child taught me more about our global community that I ever learned in grad school. He remembers living in Korea and had colleagues/friends there his entire career, many of whom he still keeps in touch with. He is very enthusiastic about the country’s rich culture and history and he happily shared with all of our guests about how wonderful Korean customs are. It was my dad that encouraged me to follow my heart back to Seoul. Watching him climb up the playground equipment to take James down the slide is something that I never thought I’d see but am so glad I did.

B, my dad’s very significant other, who lovingly made James the cutest sock monkey (named “Monkey”) and who put up with staying with us for two weeks so that she and my dad could get to know James. She was amazing and James barely got a single cry out of his little mouth when waking up from a nap before Grandma B was plucking him out of the crib for a snuggle. Watching him light up every time he saw her helps both Alex and I know that while our moms aren’t with us anymore, there are wonderful people in our lives like Grandma B, Grandma J and Grandma E who are here. There isn’t ever a replacement for a person, we recognize this intensely in our adoption of James, but there are people who generously open hearts to make sure that a child feels loved. In that sense B is a “real” grandma.

C, James’ auntie that has embraced him and our journey since its inception. While C has done more for us than I could ever summarize here, she went to amazing lengths to make sure that James’ party was as exciting and fun as it could be. She didn’t blink when I said I wanted to make candy sushi for the kids, she just asked “maki or sashimi?” and then she sat in my kitchen with me until late in the evening crafting sushi out of rice krispy treats, fruit roll-ups, sour licorice, and various gummy candy (the Haribo Gummy Clownfish made the best nigiri). C’s mom E has also been a huge gift to us. When I met C, I never knew that my son would eventually find a grandma in her mom but Grandma E is the real deal.

My brother-in-law, his wife and their four gorgeous girls (our nieces). They came dressed in Asian outfits for the occasion and they adore James. He adores them right back. They are wonderful and have done so much to support us at every step. How he came to the family may be a bit non-traditional but to his cousins it doesn’t matter how he got here, just that he’s here. My SiL has spent a lot of time talking to all of her kids about what adoption is and what it means. She’s done this very thoughtfully and used language that’s respectful to James, his birth family and his country. We are so very fortunate to have them in our lives.

My brother J who is living and teaching in Korea. We miss him terribly, especially during the holidays when we have to make the gravy and mashed potatoes ourselves. He’s a great person and I’m so proud of how he’s embraced a country and a language that he had never experienced before. In just 2 months he learned to read Hangul (although he’ll be modest and say that’s not a big deal). He has a great take on it all and posts some very cool things about Korean culture and customs on his blog. My only sadness is that Korea is really far away…for several reasons but missing J being the main one right now.

Really amazing and generous friends like G, J, S and others. We’ve had such amazing support this year that I can’t even express it all. Holding James while our family and friends gathered around him and sang Happy Birthday to him at his party, I suddenly realized that they don’t view James as our adopted child from Korea but simply as our son. Knowing our family and friends, I never doubted that would be the case but seeing it was very touching.

My brave son, who teaches me something new and makes me laugh every day. James had no choice in our decision to adopt him. I know he remembers his foster family and he grieved their loss when we brought him to the U.S. just as he will grieve the separation from his birth family. Grief isn’t finite, it’s an ongoing process. He’s learned to trust and love us and we are grateful for the opportunity to be his parents. We will never forget his first family and we will honor them in our lives until we have the chance to help James reestablish his connection to them. We’re going to make mistakes along the way but we’re going to do our absolute best by him.

So I’m sort catching up and trying to reflect on this year. I’m kind of in the throws of holiday planning and end of year stuff, but I’m looking to catching up on blogs I follow.