Baby's First Racial Slight

I haven't posted much on my own feelings/experiences about race but I was compelled to try to sort out some of my feelings after an incident I had this weekend. As adoptive parents, Alex and I were willing to adopt a child of another racial background. We consider ourselves fairly well-versed, researching the issues, rather than simply jumping in and thinking that if we loved a child enough, race wouldn’t matter. We don’t have all of the answers (again, I'm an AP so my perspective is from the "new AP" category) but this is an area that is definitely on our radar and we support an open dialogue. We undertook our adoption knowing that we had to be prepared to deal with the racism that our child would most certainly experience, even in our diverse community.

So while I’m not an expert, I’m prepared, not only to speak but also to listen. It’s funny though, when I had adult adoptees tell me that my child would experience racism as the son of white parents, I assumed it would be from strangers. I wasn’t expecting it from children (although many adoptees have written and talked about being singled out as children for their features).

This past weekend, I spent two nights with the daughters of a couple that Alex and I are friends with. The parents were celebrating a big anniversary and while the older girl can stay home alone, the younger one needs more supervision. These girls are terrific kids and were in our wedding 8 years ago. A is now 17, almost 18 and C is 13. Fun, right? I get to be a soccer/basketball mom for a weekend and catch up with the girls.

Friday night C and I were on our own as A had dinner with friends. C spent time filling me in on her sports stuff (she’s an incredible athlete already), school, and her friends. C and some of her friends are super into rap and hip-hop so we also talked about music too. I filled her in on how Baby James is doing and showed her some pictures of how cute he is. Then we talked about race. Here is how our conversation went, and by the way, C is Caucasian:

Me: So how is school going? Do you like middle school?

C: It’s okay. Our school is kind of rough and a lot of kids have problems.

Me: Really? What kind of problems?

C: Drugs and stuff. Me and my friends just kind of ignore it. But the teachers seem kind of scared of the kids.

Me: Are you riding the bus to school?

C: Yeah. Oh, and it’s so fun, me and my friends make fun of all of the Asian kids on the bus! They’re so nerdy and some of them can’t even tell what we’re saying so they just smile and nod. They don’t even know we’re making fun of them. It’s so funny! They’re so stupid. We get in their faces on the bus and we play Zap.

Me: ……………….ummmm, what? You mean you pick on these kids? Because they’re Asian? But why?

C: Cause they’re nerds. All they do is study. They have no life. And a lot of them can’t understand what we’re saying anyway.

Me: So let me get this right, you and your friends make fun of Asian kids at school and on the bus because they’re nerds and because they’re Asian. Nerds equals Asian and Asian equals nerds. Is that right?

C: (Laughing) Yep! It’s soooo funny!

Me: Ummm, you realize that I have an Asian son? James is from Korea. Korea is one of many countries that get lumped into the term “Asian.”

C: (quiet)

Me: So if James was in middle school with you, you would pick on him? And you would never get to know him or be kind to him. You would just be mean to him. Just because he’s not white?

C: Well, they don’t really understand that we’re making fun of them.

Me: If I was sitting on the bus and didn’t speak any English and you and your friends were making fun of me by laughing and getting in my face, I wouldn’t know you were being mean to me?

C: I don’t know. You’re not Asian.

Me: Have you asked them if they understand you? Is it fair to say that they might know since you’re in their faces? Do you think they like it when someone gets in their face and makes fun of them?

C: I don’t know.

Me: Wow, that makes me really sad. You and your friends are using stereotypes plus you’re harassing these kids. How do you think that makes them feel? You’re behavior is racist. Do you know what that means?

C: I’m not racist. My friends are all black and racism is when you’re mean to black people because they’re black.

Small aside: This is true, with the exception of maybe 2-3 friends, all of C’s friends are African-American.

Me: Racism is actually a belief that race is the primary factor that determines a person’s traits, potential or capabilities. Stereotyping means that you assign characteristics to a person because of their race. For example, “all Asian kids are good at math” is a stereotype. Are all Asian kids really good at math? Harassing or discriminating against someone because of what race they are is racist behavior.

C: Lots of them are good at math. All they do is study.

Me: How do you know that?

C: I see them studying in class.

Me: Do you see their grades?

C: No.

Me: How do you know that they get good grades then? Are the best math students in your school the best at math because they study or because they’re Asian? Are any other kids good at math in your school?

C: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they study.

Me: So if someone picked on you because you’re white, how would you feel? What if someone said “C can’t be our friend or on our basketball team because she’s white and white girls can’t play basketball.”

C: But white girls can play basketball. I’m white and I can play basketball.

Me: But if I had a basketball team and I said I only want girls that can play basketball and white girls can’t, so you can’t be on my team, what would you do?

C: I’d tell you that I can play….and maybe I’d show you.

Me: But would it be fair of me to treat you differently than any other girl that wants to play basketball?

C: No and I’d be mad.

Me: You should be! If I’m telling you that because you’re white, you automatically have or don’t have certain skills, you should be mad.

C: But we’re just kidding around with these kids. We aren’t really hurting their feelings.

Me: Again, how do you know? Have you asked them?

C: (quiet) No….

Me: Maybe you should. And harassing any kid, for any reason, is bullying. Are you a bully?

C: (quiet) No….I don’t think so.

Me: So you’re just acting like a bully?

C: (close to tears)…..Maybe.

Me: Is that okay? Do you want to be a bully? Do you want to hurt other people’s feelings on purpose?

C: No.

Me: Hmmm, then maybe you need to change your behavior. Maybe you should apologize to these kids for your behavior?

C: Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, I probably could have handled this better. I have no illusions that C will run to these kids and apologize. I was just so shocked and so sad to hear all of this out of her. I followed up with her parents because I was worried and after I relayed the conversation, her mom was pretty upset and said she’d make it a point to speak to her. Her mom also said that C herself had been picked on extensively by a group of students but that most of them are now her friends. She said that under the pressure of being picked on, C had reinvented herself to fit what this group of kids liked. For example, she decided she liked rap and hip-hop because that’s what these kids listened to. She shunned everything they shunned and measured her likes and dislikes by what they thought. Obviously there are several issues here but I was encouraged that her mom and dad had strong views on racism, stereotyping and bullying and that they weren’t going to ignore it.

The final sad exchange happened when I left. C asked me if she could babysit for Baby James sometime. She’s just getting into babysitting and was thinking that when he’s a little older, she could watch him. I told her that she probably couldn’t watch James because I didn’t want to take the chance that she would say something negative about his race. I told her that we were going to raise James to be very proud of his Korean background and that because she was currently in a place where she felt it was okay to pick on Asian kids, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with James. This might have been too strong but I wanted to make sure she understood that her behavior has consequences, not just for the kids she’s picking on but also for her personal relationships. She looked humiliated and held her head down, not meeting my eyes at all when I said goodbye.

With all of the “firsts” we’re experiencing with James, this isn’t one that I expected so soon. But hopefully the conversation that C and I had starts a conversation in her home too. Regardless of how I handled it, I chose not to ignore it. That's a choice that I can continue to make.