Giving Away Babies

A very close friend called a few nights ago and asked if her cousin K, also an acquaintance of ours, could call me because they are going to adopt a baby domestically and had some questions. I was aware that K and her husband went through difficult challenges to have their son, including the deaths of twin boys in a late term miscarriage. K has health issues related to the fact that her mom took DES while pregnant with her. Ultimately they were able to have a son 5 years ago and had decided that having one child was more than enough for them.

Of course, I'm happy to discuss our experience with the caveat that it's simply our experience. I learned a long time ago that being an AP doesn't make me much of an expert in anything. I expressed that I'd be happy to chat but that I'm not as knowledgeable about domestic adoption and said they might want to see if their adoption agency had recommendations for someone to talk to. I'm sure they had to go through a pre-adoption group of some sort, right? This is where things got weird.

"They're not using an agency, someone is just giving a baby to them." Ummm, well, who is just giving a baby to them? A friend of K's from high school has an adult daughter (21 years old) with a three-year old little girl. The adult daughter engaged in some risky behavior at a party (her description, not mine) and is now 8 weeks pregnant with her second child and wants to "give away" the baby. The friend, or baby's grandma, thought of K and her husband because she knows of the trouble they had conceiving their son and thinks they'd be great parents. Plus that way the baby goes to a good home. Oh and the best part, according to the friend, is that the birth mother doesn't want any money so they are getting a baby for free.

Whoa, wow...where do I even start with how truly icked out/upset this conversation made me. But, I'm trying to be calm and not sound like a condescending AP (sorry, but there are some of us that are sometimes...maybe even me). I asked if K talked to the daughter/birth mother about how she feels? She's an adult after all so it seems odd that her mother is brokering her baby to old high school friends. Plus, she's 8 weeks pregnant. It doesn't seem like she's had much time to make a decision and I'd be worried that this kind of a decision, made under emotional stress and pressure, isn't necessarily what she wants or has had time to consider fully.

Then I asked about the birth father...and was sorry I asked. "Oh, the birth father won't be a problem, she's not going to list him on the birth certificate." Problem? He has a right to know about his baby. What if he wants to raise the baby? And then I heard it, the age-old argument/rationalization for adoption:

The baby would be better off with K and her husband because they are secure financially and could give the baby a better home with a mom and dad.

Argh, better off according to what standard? what committee? what policy? what family? So it's okay to lie or "not tell" a person about his child because he falls into a certain income bracket? Or because he's young (he's also 21).

So rather than shout at my friend, she's not the one adopting although it upsets me that she's not recognizing that the situation is problematic, I wrote down a few things for her to send to K before we talk. Here is a summary:

A. The birth mother has feelings and rights. She may eventually wish to have you adopt her baby but she might also be feeling pressured to make this decision. She needs to take some time to figure out what she wants to do independent of family/friend pressure and hopefully she can get some counseling to help in this process. Can you wait until she has the time to make this decision appropriately and can you live with her decision, no matter what it is? Are you okay if she changes her mind, even after the baby's birth?

B. The birth father has feelings and rights too. Omission from a birth certificate doesn't erase him from the picture. The birth mother needs to let him know of the situation so that he can identify his options and weigh his choices.

C. The most important person in the equation is the baby. Babies grow up and want to know where they came from. Any pressured decisions, omissions, half-truths, lies, will come out eventually. A better income doesn't equate to a better home.

D. For K and her husband, do you understand the full concept of adoption, not the sanitized media version? Can you embrace the complexity of the concept? Are you able to support an open adoption? This baby will come into the world with a biological sibling. Are you prepared to support that relationship? Can you also get counseling? Can you find an adoption agency to work with or at least a social worker experienced in adoption issues to talk to? Are you prepared to not only adopt this baby but also to adopt this family as you'll forever be connected to them. How will you explain this to your 5-year old and other family members? How will they feel/react to this new child?

Of course, it's just a start. I'm going to see K this Saturday to talk. I have a stack of adoption stuff to give her. I don't know if it will help as we already have the "God decided to give us a baby" conversation going on within this family. Yep, God decided to give this young woman low self-esteem so that she'd go to a party, drink too much, have unprotected sex with a crush, get pregnant, have a baby and give it to you, all to make you happy. Unfortunately I don't know enough about private adoption and whether a home study is required for all states, etc. The family is on the east coast and the baby will be born in the mid-west so there are interstate issues here too.

Alex and I talked about it and because of how awful we felt about the situation, acknowledging that people around this young woman may take advantage of her, we'd limit ourselves to one conversation with them about this. We can point them towards ethical adoption and share our beliefs but that's it. K and her husband are good people and I have to have faith that they will ultimately do what is best for the baby. I hope, I hope...

Lauren