Language and International Adoption (Do I Really Need to Learn Another Language?)

So many posts have been written on the language of adoption and the specific words we in the community use to describe ourselves and our experiences. Children are not “given up” for adoption, they are “placed” and everyone seems to have a preference for what term should be applied to birth parents and adoptive parents. But this post isn’t about that kind of language.

In International adoption, children leave behind a country and in most cases a language that they may never learn simply because English will become their primary language. Many AP’s struggle with how to connect a child to a language and culture that they themselves may not be familiar with. So how important is preserving culture and language for our children?

When we were first exploring Korean adoption, I read a post on another AP blog relating to keeping culture connections. I don’t remember exactly her words but the gist of the message was:

Don’t tout yourself as one who embraces your child’s birth culture if all you’re doing is celebrating Lunar New Year and maybe sending your kids to culture camp for a week during the summer.

We’ve heard this same type of sentiment expressed during the Christmas holidays when we show up for a very crowded holiday service. The “regulars” get very upset having to share space with the lowly Episcopalians that have finally decided to squeeze in a service. I’m not saying that you have to be a regular attendee at church, we’re not currently good about getting there on Sundays, but I am saying that faith takes commitment and more than that, it takes practice.

So what should we do? Do our kids need to learn their original language? Do we? In our adoption journey, we’ve met families from all over the spectrum. We’ve had conversations with people that are completely annoyed by the concept of maintaining cultural connections. Just give us the baby and leave us alone! I actually witnessed a very upset man stand up and vent in a pre-adoption group “So what the hell am I supposed to do? She [the daughter they were seeking to adopt from China] is going to be AMERICAN. She’ll speak ENGLISH! Am I supposed to take her out for Chinese food to try to expose her to Chinese culture? Why do I have to bother since she’s never going back to China?” Ack! Wow. The other end of the spectrum is the couple that “becomes” Korean. I’ve seen examples of this too where the parents buy hanboks, take language classes and define themselves as a Korean family. There is something really distasteful about a white family parading around telling everyone that they’re now Korean. Your child might be Korean but you, white adoptive parent, are not.

There are great examples of AP’s that I think do a great job in keeping their kids connected. Often they have examples on their blogs but I won’t “out” them here. For us, we have great resources in the DC area and lots of active groups that not only promote connection via music, art, stories, food, language, etc. but also seek to identify role models in the Korean community for adopted children. Of most interest to us when figuring out how we would approach the topic was reading the words of adoptees themselves. In our research (not necessarily based on scientific principles) we found that the biggest stumbling block for adoptees seeking relationships within Korea or even the US-based Korean community was language. There are very poignant stories by adoptees describing their return to Korea and finding such comfort because everyone around them looks just like them but experiencing rejection because they were unable to communicate. Many of them expressed sadness that the language was such a barrier. Not everyone’s story is the same but what we want for our son is that he’ll be comfortable and confident standing in both countries. To us, this means supporting the language as well as the other cultural connections (Alex is enjoying the food connection quite a lot).

Languages are challenging. I'm not advocating that all AP's of Korean children learn the language. I am advocating that there are ways to practice cultural connections more than once a year. It takes work and might be out of your comfort zone but the resources are there. For example, we have a Rosetta Stone which I really do recommend. It’s very helpful for beginners but I was also looking for other options to practice conversation. KORUS House in DC offers inexpensive language classes and I’ve signed up for their beginner class. My goal isn’t to become fluent (years and years of study) but I want to understand at a beginner/intermediate level and learn to read the Hangul characters so that I can share them with James eventually. Maybe even meet some people along the way! More importantly, we plan to enroll James in language classes when he is old enough to begin them (they’re telling us 3 or 4 although we use some Korean vocabulary at home now). He may eventually be upset with us for sending him to class and he may reject Korea (the language/culture, everything) completely at some point in his life but I believe holding that door open is so important. I can’t walk through the door with him as a Korean person, but I can hold the door wide open for him so that he can walk back and forth on his own. We can do something each and every day to practice our faith and commitment to our son. And yes, we can celebrate Lunar New Year too!